super stella crazy lush

Mmmmmmmmmm.....

2006-10-24T22:45:00.000+10:00

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!

2006-05-23T13:55:00.000+10:00

I’m an emotional wreck right now. I fucking hate being a girl sometimes!

I’m getting really excited and nervous about our trip. We fly out in 12 days! It’s so hard not spending money… or trying not to spend money anyway. Fucking shoes! Damn their attractiveness!!!

I’m in love! It’s making me nervous too. I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’ll fuck it up.

I’m procrastinating. I only have ONE 2000 word essay to write before we leave and I haven’t started the research yet. FUCK.

I’m getting shitty with my sex life (the above revelation aside). My ex, whom I was with on and off for 7 years, was one of those guys that is ALWAYS hard… like in the annoying, fuck-off-and-let-me-sleep kinda way. D is not… which is frustrating for obvious reasons. If he has too much to drink: no sex for me. FUCK.

I’m a twice-in-one-session kinda girl. I only really get warmed up the first time and really let lose on the second go. But once D is done the first time he gets hard again after about 10 or 15 minutes but often he can’t stay hard. So we’ll be going for it and then I’ll try and switch positions but before we can get going again it’s too soft to continue. For fucks sake! He’s only 23 and he’s having these ‘problems’ what’s it going to be like in 20 years?!?!?! I don’t know what to do. It’s not his fault and I know it’s not MY fault but it is soooooooooooo frustrating. I don’t know what to do. I get really shitty when it happens and he says sorry and then I have to stroke his ego by telling him it’s fine BUT I WANT TO GET FUCKED!!!

The additional problem is my pill. It's working in the sense that I don't get pregnant but it makes me emotional and moody. So most of the time I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX AT ALL. But then I'll want it real bad and can't get enough of it (See above). And all I want to do is EAT. JUNK. CONSTANTLY. So now I'm getting fat. So fat that I popped the button on my favourite jeans. My favourite jeans too. You know that metal button that rips a hole in the waistband when it pops? Yeah. FUCK!

Too busy with MAFW to post...

2006-05-03T00:58:00.000+10:00

PFT!!! I wish!!!

I've been working overtime to save money for a trip I can't afford, applying for jobs just in case I don't have a job to come back to, working my arse of at uni to get my assignments all done before we fly out in 33 days AND trying to fit my gorgeous boyfriend in for a round or two of tiddley-winks. *sigh* Life can be so tiresome! :D

I had a bit of a drama a couple of weeks ago. We went out for a few drinks after dinner one night, shared a taxi with my flatties' mate - she was going to Customs so we followed. I ran into a few people from school (my friends to be precise) and I sat down for a chat. Only to find the ex sitting across from me looking none too pleased at my appearance.

After a bottle of so of champagne I was happily drunk and was chatting with a few of his mates and his brothers trying to ignore the melodrama that was unfolding. Eventually he made it clear I wasn't to speak to his friends by putting his arm on the shoulder of the mate I was chatting to, turning his back on me and pulling the perplexed fella away. All this happened when D had gone to the loo. He came back to find me in tears and I asked if we could go – even without finishing my drink.

I feel really shit that the first time D ever saw me cry was over my ex. He doesn't need to deal with this shit - it should be over and done with by now.

It's frustrating that I have struggled in the past with being around 'him' while I was still in love with 'him' but I feel that I always acted with grace and integrity. Now that the tides are turned he is unable to return even that courtesy.

Since that weekend 'he' and I have exchanged a few emails and texts but nothing relating to that incident. He appears to not want to discuss it other than the text he sent shortly after I left: "shit thing to do I apologise 100% don't answer".

The problem is that I adore him as a person. I have so much respect, admiration and love for him that it will never die with any length of separation or mistreatment. At the end of this month it would be 8 years since I fell in love with him. My only problem is trying to reconcile these feelings for him with the affection, respect and essentially romantic attachment I have for D. In my head they are placed clearly in separate categories, at the risk of being crass, the 'I want to have sex with you' category and the 'I have no sexual feelings at all for you' category. Of course, I see D as more of a boyfriend figure because a, he treats me the way I want to be treated in a relationship of this nature and b, because I want to engage in a sexual relationship with him.

However, my ex has a lot of attributes that I see in a future husband. I have boundless passion for him but there is no sexual desire. It's endlessly confusing especially as I think fondly of them both everyday.

I can only feel that my lack of sexual desire for my ex stems from the awful sex-life I endured for such a long period of my young life. I think the emotional abandonment and the dispassionate physical relationship I experienced with my ex and subsequently discovering that the attributes of a romantic relationship that I had always longed for were actually owing to me have tempered any romantic feelings I cling to; tempered yet not sated.

And that's my analysis of what's going on in my frickin' head right now.

Browsing

2006-04-19T01:37:00.000+10:00

Fashion! According to I the most reputable critic of anything really.

Oh Karl!
Not a big fan of the Japanese horror film-inspired make up but that dress is gorgeous!

But Chloe can only seem to produce box-like outfits fit only for Cheryl's trip to Woolies 2 weeks after giving birth to Wayne's fifth child (well she says they're all Wayne's but Jenny next door knows the truth.) End tangent.

Dior has gone all goth too although I do like a lot of the red.

And MiuMiu, who I normally despise, has pulled out some cute little numbers like this one:

LOVE the red shoes!

Similarly I loathe Stella McCartney simply because anyone stupid enough to give up leather shoes does not deserve my respect. However, this is adorable and I’m a sucker for Gemma Ward.

And finally, Hermes have done some wonderful things with pencil skirts and opaques which was my intended staple for the Winter and therefore gets my vote as favourite in Paris this week.

I'm worried...

2006-04-19T00:50:00.000+10:00

I think I might be... falling in love.

YES! WORRIED!!

I'm jaded. I'm over love. It hurts too much. It feels wonderful being with them but then you're life just seems to feel empty when they're gone. Pft! Love fucking sucks.

I'm bored with being in love... except it kinda feels nice... I think. Maybe I'm not in love. I thought maybe he said that he loved me while we were away. On our first night away even. But I think maybe I dreamt it. I was really drunk. We drank cocktails and Champagne and Pinot and ate three courses including cheese (mmmm... blue and Pinot are destined to be together) and I think maybe the cheese made me have crazy dreams... cos it usually does... and now I don't know if maybe he did say he loved me and I just rolled over and passed out or if I actually dreamt it. I think maybe I dream it. He didn't say anything about it the next day but then maybe he was too drunk to remember he said it afterall... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I don't know!

New flat mate moved in while we were away. My other flatmate (the bestest flatmate ever) is this gay magnet. They orbit around her like moons. Anyway, so Gay moved in and he's excellent. The house has never been this clean. The garbage is always empty and the dishwasher is always full of clean dishes (or on, or empty, or full of dirty ones and I'm going to put it on later... anyway...) So yay! Plus you know less rent.

Planning our trip to Europe for June. Only thing is its horribly hard when you don't know if you have a job at the end of May. Effing cunts aren't telling us til then. Too bad for all the unemployed people who applied. Fuckers! But the plan is going well. I haven't even asked for the time off yet but meh!

Going to see my Dad on Monday for dinner. Bringing boy. Wish me luck! I was going to take him to see my mum as well but when I rang her tonight she was in a cunt of a mood. She is fucking bi-polar I swear! When she answered I knew it was bad. Then I thought she would cheer up cos I was coming to see her. Her biggest gripe was that I didn't ring her or come and see her on the long weekend. I had already told her that I was away and that it was my first real holiday in 2 years and she made a big fucking deal that I didn't make the time to see her. Then when I told her I probably wouldn't be in Australia for my birthday cos I would be in Europe she hit the roof. She started going on about its her 50th next year and if I can afford to go away and go to Europe then I can afford the petrol to go and see her. Then she went on about how I better start saving for a present for her 50th and blah blah blah blah blah. Her favourite thing is to go on about how I pick fights with her. But then all I did tonight was ring her to organise a visit and she starts a fight with me about how I never visit.

I'm looking up blackmarket lithium suppliers as I type this. I'll pop it in a Cenovis Women's Mutli bottle and she won't notice a thing.

It's really distressing for me because I've always wanted a good relationship with my mother. I'm really jealous of girls that go shopping with their mums and talk to their mums about everything. I try to be friends with her but when she attacks me like this without any provocation I can't help but want her completely out of my life. When the mood takes her there is nothing I can say or do to make her happy and she just yells and yells and yells and yells. I ended the call by saying (over the top of her rant) "you wonder why I never want to spend time with you..." and hanging up. I could still hear her yelling as I hung up the phone.

Everything felt wrong

2006-04-02T13:31:00.000+10:00

I had my ex over for dinner last night. We made pizzas and drank red wine. It just didn't feel right.

I love him so much. He is wonderful. He is funny, handsome, smart, sophisticated and, as much as he denies it, he is kind and caring. But it just didn’t feel right.

For me, there’s just no spark. He doesn’t make my tummy crazy bubbly nervous and I don’t want to jump him… at all. I just don’t feel like that about him.

But he’s IN LOVE with me! And now he doesn’t want to see me anymore because it is too hard for him. I feel miserable. I want to hug him and tell him it’s alright but I can’t reciprocate his feelings for me.

It’s very confusing for me because I obviously still CARE ABOUT him and I want him to be happy. I know I have to let him go and hope that he will eventually feel differently about me so that we can be friends.

I’ve never felt like this about someone before. I can vividly remember being in love with him but I know I’m not now. I don’t hate him. I’m not angry any more. I want him to be happy and healthy and successful.

I can’t imagine life without him.

It’s desolate.

I’m so upset. I’m mourning a friendship that I thought I had but always suspected was short-lived. I can’t stop crying…

Tagged

2006-03-30T12:52:00.000+11:00

Which is good I needed subject matter that wasn't pictures of shoes.

I copied the questions too, is that ok?

I chose Gwen Stefani or No Doubt

Are you male or female? Just a Girl
Describe yourself: Holla Back Girl
Describe your inner: Sixteen
Describe your outer: A Little Something Refreshing
How do some people feel about you: Marry Me
What about some others? Sad for Me
How do you feel about yourself: That's Just Me
How do you feel about pain: Stricken
Describe your ex boyfriend: Spiderwebs
Describe your current significant other: Brand New Days
Describe where you want to be: Greener Pastures
Describe how you live: Luxurious
Describe how you love: Danger Zone
Describe how you wish you were: Rich Girl
What would you ask for if you had just one wish: The Real Thing
The way you feel right now: Simple Kind of Life
Your life philosophy: Magic's in the Makeup
Your view for the future: Big City Train
Share a few words of wisdom: What you waiting for?
Your biggest fear: Trapped in a Box
Now say goodbye: End it on This

More shoes...

2006-03-29T12:21:00.000+11:00

Unnecessary detail...

2006-03-29T01:17:00.000+11:00

I'm obsessed with my boyfriend's tummy. I've been fantasising about it all day. Its HOT! Its flat and you can see the muscles underneith. It looks so good when he's fucking me. *sigh* I'm so horny. Sunday we were too hung over to have sex and Monday I was still feeling off and he was 'sore' from Friday and Saturday sex anyway. *sigh* So now I have to wait til Friday to fuck again. *sigh*

Enter fantasising about shoes and hand bags I can't afford.

Everyone do a happy dance!

2006-03-28T12:58:00.000+11:00

Good news!
1. Got an interview for my job, you know that I had to re-apply for, stupid public service fuckers. So yay for me! I'm breeze through interviews like they're a walk in the park. Panel interviews or not. One of the women on the panel is an old team leader and someone I keep in touch with even though she works in a different department now. The convenor rang me yesterday and sounds lovely. The third panel member will be a man and as long he's not a humourless git I should be alright. I crack bad jokes when I'm nervous. Just cos I'll be nervous doesn't mean I'm not confident and don't know my shit!

2. I got an email from the bank that appears to mean my personal debt consolidation loan was approved. I have to double check on a computer that has adobe. Goodbye fucking credit card debt.

3. The fucker at work that has been making my life a misery for the last 2 weeks has left subject to the outcome of the recruitment. Hopefully if she is successful she will pick a different shift to me. In the meantime, I hope she chokes on her poor people food or on her scrawney hick-looking husband's load.

Procrastination much?

2006-03-22T12:20:00.000+11:00

You are Brigitte Bardot

Naurally sensual and beautiful
You're an exotic beauty who turns heads everywhere
You've got a look that's one of a kind

What Famous Pinup Are You?

You Are Sexy Black Boots

You only look like you could walk all over someone...

What Kind of Boots Are You?

Your Life is Like

Say Anything...

What John Cusack movie are you?

Your Perfume is Pink

You're confident, sexy, playful...

And anything else you want to be.

You are the brightest star in many people's lives.

You see life as an adventure - and expect the unexpected.

Power scents: Juniper berry, violet, and manadarin

What Perfume Are You?

I originally got Glow but fucked if I put anything related to JLo on my blog.

You Are Raspberry Chocolate Lip Gloss

You tend to approach life as a fun game - being playful at every turn.
You're a flirt with flair, and your the type most likely to surprise your date.

But you're popularity doesn't stop with guys... you've got a great group of girlfriends too!
You're fresh, aggressive, and more than a little sassy. The tangy taste of raspberry and watermelon goes great on your lips.

What Flavor Lip Gloss Are You?

Your Inner Eye Color Is Blue

You've got the personality of a blue eyed women
You're intense and expressive - and always on the go
You've also got a sweet, playful side - which draws men in

What's Your Inner Eye Color?

WTF? My eye colour is BLUE! Idiots. Oh this is so fun!

You Are Chocolate Ice Cream

Dramatic. Powerful. Flirty.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Okay, okay. I'm done now.

On to things that make me laugh

2006-03-22T10:50:00.000+11:00

My ex and I are having a google images war. It all started with my attempt to make that squealing noise that piglets make (don't ask) and it came out sounding more like a vulture. So he emailed me a picture of a mother pig and a piglet with the caption "a baby vulture with its mama".

Ex is self conscious about his ears. He thinks they're too big. I always said that his head was big enough to offset the effect but called him bat ears just because I knew it got to him. So in retribution for the first picture I emailed him a picture of the biggest bat with the biggest ears I could find on google images with the subject line: What big birds! (From The Temple of Doom if anyone didn't get the Indiana Jones reference.)

So ex stepped it up a notch with a very very bad attempt at photoshop. Backstory: I used to joke when he was poor that he had to buy me a Chanel handbag for my birthday. He used to joke that I had chipmunk cheaks and was always asking me where I hid my nuts.

This cheered me up so much last week when I'd had the shittest day at work ever! This is why I still love him so much.

Today this morning forever

2006-03-22T10:32:00.001+11:00

I fucking hate getting up in the morning, this morning especially. When you’re as narcissistic as me its hard not to assume that everyone hates you. That you make people vomit at the idea of spending time with you. All I’ve ever wanted is to have people like me. I don’t need everyone to like me just some people I think are special. But I’ve never had girlfriends. I’ve never had a girl friend that I’ve trusted so much with all my feelings and not been betrayed or hurt by them. Is it me? Do I dare think that I do something wrong or should I be just like my mother and assume the problem must be with everyone else?

I’m sure a shrink will find the answer but I don’t think that expensive shoes and cosmetics are accepted as currency yet, besides I don’t think I could give them up. But there must be something wrong in taking pride in my frivolous materiality. There must be something wrong with me. I hate being emotionally fragile. I want to be strong and not need anyone at all but I need people: it is my weakness. I need someone to show an interest in my life.

I’m the kind of friend that changes plans with her boyfriend and her family to see you. I’m the kind of friend that leaves a party to make sure you’re ok. I’m the kind of friend that calls you the next day to make sure you got home ok. I’m the kind of friend that would never go anywhere near your crush or your ex or your boyfriend. I don’t even want to be their friend because I’d rather be yours. I’m the kind of friend that wants to get together for coffee every week. I’m the kind of friend that people cancel on but I never cancel.

I’m also the kind of friend that takes it the wrong way if you don’t call me or message me or email me occasionally to let me know what you’re doing. I’m also mercurial and sometimes I make mistakes but I think in this I might have a good point.

Poetry

2006-03-22T10:32:00.000+11:00

Soft lips soft breath
A rainforest of sensation
The caked spiced scent of you
Coffee coloured smile
Melodiousness
Frantic clutching
Weather permitting
Down my neck
Break a button
Slam the door shut
Pull the covers up
Come here
Arms around me
Smell the hair on the back of your neck
I kiss your ear; you shiver
Mouth parted eyes closed
Empty promises
Leaving soon
I yield; I ache; I beg; I close down
What time is it?
Sometime I feel alone when I’m with you.

Tagged

2006-03-21T11:37:00.000+11:00

Great meme... you know me too well...

1- How old were you when you lost your virginity? Who was it to? Describe the event.
I was 15 with my boyfriend who I continued an on and off again relationship until last year. We were in the hay shed on his parents farm. It was cold. That’s the extent of the exitement. No regrets.

2- What is the strangest place you've had sex?
Probably the hay shed or Bilgowla Beach on Friday afternoon ;)

3- Who would you consider "switching teams" for?
I second steph’s Jessica Alba and raise you Angelina Jolie’s lips and Jessica Simpson's body.

4-Do you prefer to give or receive?
I love taking turns.

5- One night stands- What's the protocol? Stay the night or get the hell outta there?
As a professed expert… she jokes… kinda… I say stay the night. If you’re comfy enough to take your clothes off, have a snooze, get up in the morning, round two… or three… or four… and head off.

6-Favourite body part/parts of the opposite sex?
Back of the neck, ears, arms, lips, bum.

7-quickie or long and slow?
I don’t like to be rushed, too much pressure.

8-Noisy or quiet?
Noisy but not like you’re showing off to the neighbours noisy.

9- Ideal amount of sex per week?
Depends, anything more than once a day is excellent. Remember, I’m in a distance relationship… its 15 times per weekend for me. :D

10-What's your number one sexual turn off?
Bad kissing, bad breath, bad fondling technique (you know, too rough, too pinchy, too slobbery) and bad BO gets no where near me.

11-Number one arousal trigger?
Great kissing and gentle caressing goes a long way. Oh, and I loooooooove having me neck rubbed and kissed.

12-What constitutes bad sex?
No foreplay, not long enough, too drunk to get it up.

13- Celebrity you would love to shag right now?
Been watching too much of the Bill but right now its Daniel MacPherson.

14- Define sexy?
Confidence. A quick smile. Great kisses.

15- Remember the best sex you ever had. What made it special?
Taking turns being in charge, giving and receiving. Taking our time. Kissing, sooooo much kissing.

I should explain...

2006-03-15T11:34:00.000+11:00

Why I've been stressed, angry and procrastination to the max lately. I have to re-apply for my current position. Yes! That is correct people. I have been working in a job for approximately 2 years (and worked at a higher level for 6 months) and I have no rights to my position because I did not get the position on 'merit selection'. Stupid effing public service!!!

And its not just your run of the mill put-your-resume-in-with-a-pretty-cover-letter-and-see-how-you-go deal. No its a talk about all this 'selection criteria' for a bit until you've banged on about yourself enough to make even the most narcissistic bastard feel ill. Now I love to talk about myself but I can only talk about stupid things like "organisational and client service skills" for so long before I start to feel like a corporate monkey.

This little guy is pretty cute though.

So hence my distracted posts about lame things like designer clothes and shopping.

Also I didn't realise how much I missed SPB until I hadn't seen him for a week. I get my fill of cuddles and kisses from my boys and girls but I miss........ him. :( Yes, I'm a lame-o, I know.

Can’t wait to see him tomorrow.

I fucking hate flats

2006-03-14T11:43:00.000+11:00

I know they're practical and goddam I hate tottering around uni with its fucking cobblestone-esque paths but I like towering in heals and they look way better under jeans. I tried on heaps of round toed ballet flats at Target and Wanted and Myer and they all look shit!

Now these I would wear! Imagine how good they would look under a pair of Midwash East Village Hipsters (yes these are the only jeans that fit me) with a nice black Country Road knit and a buttery leather Oroton Handbag...

But fuck me if I can afford them. I can't even afford a cup of coffee right now! (Possibly because I've been substituting shopping for sex in the absence of my boyfriend) Fuck my expensive taste! I wonder if SPB would mind me getting myself a sugar daddy?

I'm procrastinating... back to it I guess...

Web-based Personality Thingy

2006-03-14T11:05:00.000+11:00

Hopefully people that love me read my blog.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=superluminous

Go here people! You guys know how to copy and paste, right?

xxoo

Love like want

2006-03-14T10:51:00.000+11:00

I love soft cheese
I really like mangoes
I like velvet
I love Pleasures by Estee Lauder
I love kisses
I want more kisses
I love day dreaming
I love all my friends
I like lying on soft grass in the sun
I can’t live without coffee
I like baked blueberry cheesecake
I love coconut smell and taste
I can’t live without my jeans
I like having sunscreen rubbed on my back when its all gritty from beach sand
I love having my neck rubbed
I love leather
I like kittens, puppies, rabbits, guinea pigs, little frogs,
I like champagne
I want more silk
I like my big ass sunnies that cover half my face so I can hide behind them
I like going commando
I love cuddles
I love nutella on toast
I like seeing small children in prams at the supermarket that don’t cry
I love chocolate covered macadamias
I love getting dolled up with my gal pals and drinking cocktails
I like cold prawns with seafood sauce
I like doing nothing on the internet for hours
I like pink
I want white Chanel tweed
I want black Chanel tweed
I want vintage black patent leather Mary Janes with a stacked heal and a deep toe
I want another pair of satin peep toes
I love 50s skirts with lots of soft petty coats
I love my silver strappy stilletoes
I love pink croc leather points under jeans
I want furry brown wool tweed hipster wide leg pants that no one sells
I want DVD box sets of all my favourite TV shows
I love warm popcorn
I can’t stop talking about Cate Blanchette, red dress, Harpers Bazaar
I like lists
I love clean towels straight out of the dryer
Isn’t it funny how FHM air brush the men in the photo shoots as much as the women… plastic-looking people are so inspiring!
I want diamonds
I love pearls
I love plain white gold wedding bands
I love kissing ears
I like neat writing
I love avocado
I love lilacs
I like white roses
I love white lilies
I want olive tapenade on bruschetta
I REALLY like sex in the shower
I love Dido
I like evil plans
I love chocolate dipping sauce
I love yum cha
I want an omlette with mushrooms, shallots, tomato, parmesan, mozarella & blue
I want a coffee but I spent all my money on clothes! :(

Overdue randomness - this is the real me.

2006-03-07T13:29:00.000+11:00

*Do you know that feeling? When you’ve been lying kissing… merely brushing lips… hours pass…. hours hours hours. It’s 4 am. Time eats away and you don’t care. Consequences nil.
Talking.
Whispering.
Hugging.
Touching.
More lips brushing...
Like you’re dreaming of them. Then you fall asleep and you do dream of them. I dream every night of you.
Alien landscapes. In my bed. At work. In the car. I dream of you…

*I dream of the perfect dress. Black, strapless, lace bodice, 50s style flared skirt to my knees. It’s a different version of the same dress I’ve been dreaming of since I was 16. In ‘98 it was long and bohemian. A short train dragged in the autumn leaves in a Bavarian forest. Jet Gypsy jewellery dangles from voluptuous model; pale as death skin and black wavy hair. The opposite of me.

*I love Sydney because of the anonymity. Being in Newcastle means everywhere I go people know me. Like literally. People I used to go to school with. People I used to work for. People that don’t even live here anymore! Even the people in the cafes and restaurants and supermarkets know me, even if not by name. They know I’m not with the boy I normally come in with. They know there’s this new person in my life that isn’t the old person that’s been in my life for my whole adult existence. Its making me paranoid because who cares? Whatever! But it fucking pisses me off. I just want to slink about and do my own thing without everyone fucking talking to me. “How are you? What have you been doing?” Don’t ask me that! You don’t fucking care! It made me fucking dream of high school. I have enough shit to worry about thank you.

*Sometimes Lagerfeld gets it right. Sometimes he is a fucking old man.

*Posting pictures of beautiful things makes me feel better and Lily Cole is divine.

*Cake!

Random Thoughts [rants]

2006-03-01T12:51:00.000+11:00

*I'm so sick of gossip! I've been the victim of it. Its fucking lame. Who really cares? Get your own life and stop talking about mine.
*Does the Telegraph really need to keep printing photos of Amber fucking Penny known only for her role in Princess Mary's wedding?
*Paris Hilton was photographed wearing MY Vogue sunnies that I bought last year and love to death. Fuck you, Ho! Do you have to ruin everything for me?
*I spent all my spare money on a new Oroton Handbag. I saved 25% from a voucher in the latest InStyle. Yay! Will post pics later.
*My Linguistics lecturer has just proven that a person can absorb a whole shit load of information over years and years, with a lot of experience in a specialised field and yet still be a vacant fucktard!
*Why can't clothing manufacturers make pants (other than Sass & Bide jeans) that fit me properly? I kid you not. At Myer Burwood I tried on a pair of Country Road, Bardot, Basque, Wish and that brand next to Miss Shop that is kinda like corporate wear, suits and the like, pants and none of them looked good. Ugly as fuck, too tight or fitted but clingy in the wrong places - just not fucking good enough! I'm going to have to buy a fucking expensive pair of plain black pants just to wear to work, aren't I? Fuck! I just spend $375 on a bloody hand bag!
*I need to buy a new foundation. Girls, you know this is the hardest thing a woman has to do short of child birth.
*I'm such a cry baby, but sometimes I just need a hug.
*Coffee!

10 Reason’s Why I’ve been the slackest blogger ever

2006-02-21T12:39:00.000+11:00

1. Free dial up has run out and stupid ex boyfriend hasn’t finished fixing my PC so I can set up the broadband I signed up for in January. Stupid!
2. I called in sick all of last week so I could tool about with my wonderful boyfriend. So was in Sydney til last Wednesday with no internet access. Stupid!
3... I don’t really have any more reasons that pretty much it. But I’ll do a summary of what’s been happening.

*Last Friday went to Sydney to see Sexy Police Boyfriend (SPB – decided I needed to get more creative with the naming). *grins* We had sex in the copshop again... twice... Yay for night shift – no one is around... well hardly anyone. We almost got busted but tis all good. (Side note: I have never been busted mid-fuck ever! I have a six sense.)On Saturday we completely wasted the day by sleeping/fucking/sleeping/fucking/eating/fucking/sleeping then SPB went to work and I went to my friend’s friend’s house. I would just like to take the time to go on about how much fun I have with this lassy. She’s the best. She went back to Ireland (working visa – Lassy is an Aussie) on Saturday just gone so now I’m a little sad.
Anyway, us girls went out and I got quite jovial. Pub crawled a bit but it got to about 2am and I’d had enough. SPB came and got me from the city in his Sexy Police Car (SPC) and we drove around for a bit going to ‘jobs’, running red lights and driving at speeds exceeding 180km/h. (This will get him into soooo much trouble so no dobbing.) Oh and he breathalysed me and I was 0.18 which is more than 3 times the legal limit. I said “Lucky I’m not driving.” Haha! I wanted to have sex on SPC bonnet but SPB was sensible and took me in SPC and put me to bed.
*Sunday was another sleeping/fucking/sleeping/fucking/eating/fucking/sleeping day.
*Monday was also sleeping/fucking/sleeping/fucking/eating/fucking/sleeping punctuated by a trip to the beach.
*Tuesday was ignored as being the 'much hated Valentine’s Day' and we went to lunch instead. No presents.
*Wednesday I got messy drunk and don’t remember much after the finish of Australia’s Next Top Model – which I believe to be the cause of my binge drinking. I would like to take the time to point out my confusion as to how stupid/bitchy/annoying/whiney/buck-toothed/man-shaped wraiths get to be contenders for a reality TV show on Australia’s modelling industry... actually... never mind.
*Thursday hung out with Lassy. Drank cocktails, ate dinner and went to bed.
*Friday watched DVDs with The Ex. Made the Best Pizzas Ever (BPE) – anchovies, olives and soooooooo much cheese.
*Saturday hung out with my flat mate for the first time in ages. A few quiet drinks and chatted about random things through whatever crap was playing on TV that night. The Ex came to get me and we went to see Bodyjar in concert. Best Show Ever!!! (BSE) No slow songs. Just sweaty teenagers and us old folk jumping around tipsy. Went back to the boys’ house and kicked a soccer ball around between sips of vodka and orange. I love being one of the boys sometimes. Don’t remember getting home just that I was found drooling on someone’s pillow and when I was dropped home had to be helped inside my own house.
*Sunday slept til 3pm, showered at 5pm, SPB showed up after work with ice creams (as requested) at about 9pm and was pretty much a repeat of last Sunday.
*Uni today. First day back. Had to get up at 7am. OUCH!
*Coffee!!!!!

10 Reasons Why (Part 2)

2006-02-15T17:34:00.000+11:00

10 reasons why life is good right now:

1. Chocolate

2. Great sex

3. Vodka

4. Friends

5. Possibilities

6. Laughter

7. Moments of comfortable silence

8. Late lunches

9. Great hair

10. SHOES!!!!!!!!!

10 Reasons Why (Part 1)

2006-02-09T09:01:00.000+11:00

10 Reasons why my boyfriend is better in bed than my ex:

1. He makes me wet
2. He makes me come
3. He follows instructions well
4. He goes down on me more than once a year
5. He has sex with me even I'm on my period
6. When I say I don't like something he doesn't try to argue with me or say "But other girls liked it..."
7. I only have to tell him something once and he remembers (ok this is handy in every aspect of our relationship)
8. He stops when I say "ow, that hurts"
9. We do it in more than one position per session
10. We do it more than once a week and its not just cos he's drunk.

Should I spend my last $300

2006-02-02T14:07:00.000+11:00

On my mobile bill now topping $220...
*They won't cut my service off for at least another month
*I get paid again in 6 days (with overtime)
*When do I ever make the responsible decision?

Or

On the Kate Hurst Sale. Up to 70% off.
*I'll be in Sydney for the last two hours of the sale
*It's really just as easy to drive straight to the city then to the Inner West after my money is all gone.
*I like everything in the Spring/Summer Collection...

And the winner is.......

If Only It Would All Fall Away

2006-02-02T01:46:00.000+11:00

This is revised from a few months ago. This is what I didn't hand in last semester at uni but should have. I still think its good...

We lie together in the dark, shoulders barely touching with his mouth close to my ear.

“Do you know what happened today? When I was driving to see you? The sky looked so grey. It blended with the road into a path of emptiness that disappeared on the horizon like rain. It made the trees seem so green. It was like a dream… Do you still dream about me?”

“All the time,” I felt him smile.
I didn’t smile back. I ached to say I dreamt about him but I would have been lying. He didn’t ask.

You are not in control. You are not in control. I thought.

Curiousness slides down the back of my throat; slippery and wet.

“What do you dream?”

He doesn’t answer. Thank god.

What am I supposed to think and do and feel right now?

His presence gives me scant comfort and his arm wrapped around my waist feels fake.
I practice. I try to remember those feelings from way back but it falls away like sand through my fingers.

****

I watch him as we stand in the shower. With water running over his face, he looks like he should be my boyfriend. I wish I knew him.

His lips purse, pushing water away from his mouth as he takes a breath, always half smiling. The skin on his shoulders is tanned but the colour gently diminishes into the paler flesh on his tight arse. I felt an inaudible moan escape my parted lips.

He catches me watching him and I grin.

"What?"

He doesn't answer. I always like this game.

I push his lips against mine and the sound of water gushing over us falls away into the distance.

****

We’re in my bedroom together again. It’s always untidy. After all this time it seems so unnatural. I can’t let him touch me.

“What’s all this about?” He asks with a vague gesture.

What’s the worst that I can say?

“I don’t really know. It’s like… I can’t decide.”

Tell me everything turned out alright.

His hands cup my shoulders protectively, reflexively. I watch him watching me in the mirror. I smile self-consciously.

Chaos is stinking

****

“There’s condensation on the windows,” I observe lightly.
“Yeah, from the shower,”
“Oh, yeah, the shower,” I try to sound only slightly disappointed.
He laughs at me. I don’t mind.

I kneel over him as he lies on the bed. Our faces close together; our eyes searching for meaning in each other. I lean in and kiss him hard, pushing myself down against him, letting his hands slide down my back.

Enveloped in kisses everything else is forgotten.

****

Inane drivel down the phone again. I need an excuse to say goodbye. What the hell are you trying to say to me? Is it that hard to understand I’m not in love with you anymore?

“Yes, of course I need looking after.”
“Yes, you’re my best friend too.”
“No, I promise I’ll get out of bed and go to uni today.”
“Thanks. It’s good to know you care.”
“Bye.”
I feel nothing but relief.

****
I lean back and let him inside me. He pulls me closer and closer.

“You’re shaking”
“You make me breathless,” I whisper as his hand curls around my thigh pulling me closer and closer.

I stretch. My back arches. There is nothing else. The two of us on his bed. Closer and closer.

The world finally falls away.

****

The car responds to my foot on the accelerator; pushing hard to reach somewhere. I don't know why I'm rushing.

Dreaming from another time

2006-02-02T01:43:00.000+11:00

We were naked in the shower. He was facing away from me. I was standing above him with the top of his head level with my mouth. I could feel our bare skin pressed together. I could feel the water running over us and between us.

My arms were draped around his shoulders. I could feel myself getting aroused. I kept pressing myself against his back. He turned to face me and we kissed for a long time. When we stopped I looked into his eyes and then went to kiss him again. He said “we shouldn’t” I said “it’s too late”.

Time passed and shifted and we were no longer in the shower. We stood together in a crowded room, still kissing but fully clothed. The room was large with many doorways on each wall.

He pulled away and said “I shouldn’t” I smiled sadly and said “I know”.

We slipped through a door into a dark, empty hallway. He stood over me as I leant back against the wall. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. His hand grasped the back of my neck and pulled me towards him in another deep kiss. Pushing hard against me and simultaneously pulling me closer, his kisses became more frantic.

He pulled away and looked hard into my eyes for a long time before disappearing into the dark.

Monday catch up

2006-01-31T01:18:00.000+11:00

*After all that whinging about feeling trapped I felt decidedly trapped (but in a good way... no the BEST way) when D arrived at midnight on Wednesday and just... went down on me for HOURS! without my having to even hint. So after my cracking orgasm I had no choice but to revoke all my plans of breaking up with him... in fact I might consider marriage.... hmmm, nah!

*I stupidly thought taking my shy-as boyfriend to my pal's Australia Day bbq (where my ex and his pals would be) was an excellent idea. It wasn't so much an idea as it was MY fucking friend's party and I can do whatever I fucking WANT. Anyway.... it was ok. Actually it was heaps of fun. We got really drunk, there was street cricket, a human pyramid and lots of drinking. Too many D&M's tho. I'm not usually a big get-drunk-and-have-a-deep-and-meaningful kinda gal but 13 hours of drinking in the sun is like the D&M magnet.... this requires back story.

*About 12 months ago I was really good friends with a girl who was going out with my then boyfriend's friends. It was a whole foursome thing (and NO this didn't involve group sex you sick bastards!) Anyway, A (this is THE EX by the way) and I were going through pretty much the most fucked up shit ever. ALWAYS fighting! And of course she was my friend so I (stupidly) thought I could ring her crying and she would offer support. But aparently because I complained all the time about MY relationship she felt that she could never talk to me about her relationship. I was also going through some shit and I'm pretty narcissistic at the best of times so I was probably behaving like the worst friend in the world to her. I don't really know. Anyway, instead of talking to me all my failings as a friend she just kinda broke up with me. Yes that's right people. She rang me one night and gave me this whole "We've have some really good times... but Candice, I don't think we can be friends anymore... blah blah blah!" Fuck that for a joke. Anyway, I'm not saying I was blameless but basically according to her I'm the worst friend ever and it was all my fault.

*Back to Australia Day bbq. So first D&M was with this girl. I was really drunk and I don't really remember was said but basically I was crying and saying "I'm so sorry I was such a bad friend" and she was like "yeah but I forgive you" and to be honest I really feel like she still thinks it was ALL my fault. Well that's the impression that I get. She hasn't said or done anything sober to give me an indication of anything else.

*I really don't need this shit right now. At the worst of times, my self esteem is basically a big reflection of what I think other people think of me and at the best of times its what one or two people I really care about think of me. Right now I know for sure a few people think the world of me but I also know that one or two others think I'm the biggest bitch there is (and to be honest its well deserved). Also my flatmates are pissed at me cos I haven't done any cleaning for like 2 weeks. So essentially I'm of two minds about myself and I'm FUCKING MENSTRAL!!!! So not only do I feel fat and ugly... I AM FAT AND UGLY. Well bloated and pimply anyway....

*Another indepth conversation I managed to drum up out of the depths of drunkeness was with D. I don't really remember what we talked about (and aparently he's had a mild concussion since Wednesday soooooooo... either does he) but it was mostly about A. Like I remember explaining the whole shittest/best 7 years of my life scenario. I don't really know what else I said tho. I know I said some shit about how he shouldn't call me everyday (which is why I was feeling like a trapped rat the other day) and he was like good cos I thought you wanted me to call you everyday and we were really struggling for conversation... so I'm glad we're on the same page there. But the rest is a blur. Let's hope this concussion holds.... I'm SO kidding!

*On Saturday night I did some drunken texting that was so bad I deleted the messages out of my sent box. It just goes to show how manipulative I can be some times. I 'm really not proud of myself and have heard nothing from the individual involved despite my lame attempt at an apology. I'm such a loser sometimes. *shakes head at self*

*I also sent a text to 'hot shit motor bike boy' and nothing came back. :( I guess I should be lucky I'm not complicating my life any further.

*Side note: its 1245am and I'm watching a re-run of Lost and the little black kid just got stolen by sailors and can I just say:
THAT'S FUCKED UP!
Meanwhile Hotdogs is STILL on TV. Oh Channel 10, the shame.

Last of all boys and girls, I learnt this week that drinking four days in row to excess in the best and fastest way to end up alone and depressed. *Takes a bow to sarcastic applause echoing all over the internet*

the most boring post ever!

2006-01-25T00:41:00.000+11:00

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions because no one (let alone me… the biggest back peddler the world has ever seen) ever keeps them beyond 3 days anyway. However, in this instance I feel I should make an exception. I don’t want to call these resolutions as such but perhaps ‘the common sense rules of blogging’.

Rule Number One
Never blog drunk. As you could possibly tell from my previous post it always leads to incoherent ramblings that no one seems to understand (except maybe steph who seems to have the same ‘secret inner bitch complex’ that I do.)

Rule Number Two
Never show your blog (I blame alcohol again) to someone you have previously slept with and, in fact, may sleep with again in the future (and by may I mean did).

Rule Number Three
Always leave out incriminating evidence of ALL posts to ensure no one gets hurt.

On to another unrelated (oh who am I kidding… very much related) topic: I am such a bad person.

The problem is I don’t feel like a bad person. I just feel trapped. I’m not a big fan of society’s rules anyway. I kinda just like to do what feels good at the time. Sometimes people I care about get hurt. Or could get hurt if they find out… I don’t even know what I’m trying to say… I’m listless and bored and frantic all at once…

(Everything I have typed past this point sounds lame and cliched.)

Goodnight.

Feeling bad

2006-01-21T20:40:00.000+11:00

I have posted for almost two weeks and I feel kinda bad because my last post was so lame... and by lame I mean hilarious but kinda self indulgent.

I'm missing my girlfriends. Been hanging around with boys too much. They just don't respect the time and money spent on make up and shoes like girls do. D included. He just laughs at me.

Oh its so crazy. I've been feeling so trapped lately. So I liberated myself by fooling about with a good mate. Should I feel bad? I don't know. I don't want to feel bad but I don't want to get married either. I'm going back to being drunk...

Girls, I miss you so bad. Can't wait for you to return to me.

Bragging

2006-01-10T10:32:00.000+11:00

Less about love more about the good stuff.

I had to post that I had sex in a police station!

BAHAHAHA!!!

While he was wearing his uniform. (Steph is going to be soooooo jealous!) I have the biggest bruise on my arse from his gun.

It was HOT!!!

Now before you all jump to conclusions… he was manning a small station on Sunday by himself. I came to have lunch with him cos he was so bored but it turns out we weren’t that hungry…

He is so BAD! Bad bad bad boy.

Love actually...

2006-01-04T22:20:00.000+11:00

Sigh! I just read auburn's post. AND I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately.

Two reasons.

1. My Ex

I love him. I think I will always love him. But I am not in love with him. He’s in love with me. You probably think I’m full of myself because I said that but I know that he is. It’s scary. It’s really scary because I know how it feels to love someone who doesn’t love you. 18 months ago I was in love with him and even though we were ‘together’ I don’t think he really loved me. Or if he did he had a terrible way of showing it. And now in true ‘A&C’ style our roles are reversed.

He’s always looking at me in that way. You know what I mean. He bought me a bottle of Estee Lauder (my favourite) Beyond Paradise for Christmas, He didn’t give it to me himself. He wrapped it up so it didn’t look like a bit like a bottle of perfume wrapped at David Jones by the lady at the Estee Lauder counter, jumped the fence of my apartment complex, knocked on my door, left the package on my step and ran off before I could answer the door.

Last night he gave me this.

It’s an Oroton handbag (also a favourite.) I’m guessing it cost him about $300.

THAT’S A SERIOUS FUCKING PRESENT!!!!!!

I’m not saying all this to boast. I’m fucking freaked out by it but it also warms my soul. I’m flattered and I’m so sad for him. I just want him to be happy but I know I can’t make him happy.

2. D

My new man. Surprisingly (not) enough, its not the sexy motorbike guy (cos they’re always the ones you want to take home to your mum) it’s the sexy copper. D.

He’s wonderful! He’s hot! He’s so much fun. Yay!

He took me to Sydney the day after Boxing Day and showed me around his stomping ground. We spent pretty much three whole days together. I had so much fun. He really made me feel special.

He drove down to Newcastle on New Years after he finished work at 4am. He called in ’sick’ Sunday night and left about lunch time Monday. We didn’t sleep much.

I’m soooo crazy about him!

How can you tell?

Did I go on and on about how wonderful the sex is?

Wow! I must really respect him as a person.

Hahaha!

P.S. The sex is fucking amazing!!!!

Anyway.... auburn's post made me think... not because I've fallen for D but because I remembered the feeling I got when I first saw him. I haven't told this story yet.

I was walking through the crowd upstairs at the brewery and he slapped me on the ass!! No! Stop. Wait. He didn't mean to. He was just talking and kinda moved his arm for emphasis and it found my ass as I was walking past. And I was like 'wtf?!' and he was like 'I'm sooooooo sorry! I didn't mean to!' I was like 'whatever!' and walked away...

Then I thought 'he was kinda cute. I'm going to go back and talk to him.' So I did!

How fucking amazing is that?! It's like one of those windows in your life where you can look back and think 'How crap would it be if I hadn't made that decision?'

Life.

My dilemma

2005-12-20T00:55:00.000+11:00

I don’t think I know what I’m doing! I like two guys at once!

Okay okay, I’m jumping the gun a bit here.

First of all, I met the cutest guy on the weekend. Picture this: I’m sitting at my friends birthday party, elegantly sipping punch and looking fabulous (thank god). To my astonishment, this guy pulls into the drive way on a motor bike (sexy) full leathers displaying his ample height and fucking hot arm muscles. He pulls off his helmet and oh my fucking god he’s gorgeous! I think: “Gotta get me some of that!” He knows people and heads inside. Later he comes out in a t-shirt and I think: “oh no he’s only 19” but really when has this stopped me before?

So the plan: subtly walk past him a few times and my sexy new gold shoes should do all the work (diplaying my (fake) tanned calves for maximum effect) After a few laps I realise: he’s checking me out. (Yay!) So I make some lame attempt at conversation to get him chatting.

Turns out he’s 22. Not bad. He’s a RAAF mechanic at Richmond. (You KNOW how I love those RAAF guys. Hot!) He’s lovely. Not full of himself at all for a little cutie with a great bod. Anyway, I wonder off to enjoy the party with my girls and get myself seriously smashed. He comes to find me later: “We’re going into town, you’ve gotta come.” Awww! He gets me a spot in a car and we head to the pub.

Long story short: I was a fucking mess. Spewed on one of his friend’s shoes (she was so nice about it too - “don’t worry” she says, “they’re from target”). So he lines up for 30 minutes at, like, midnight (a tad early to be calling it a night) to get a taxi with me.

We get back to my place where my room mate was having her work Christmas party and she was wrecked! So wrecked she was giving me thumbs up in front of him. Oh dear! But he took it with a fair amount of grace and for a boy that means he pretended to ignore it.

Anyway… let me just say: HOT! Fucking hot! Oh yeah! That is all.

So, we exchanged numbers and I’m praying to all the pagan gods I know that he’ll call me.

Next guy: the copper. He is so sweet. We met up on Sunday to go the beach, had a great time as usual. He was pretty hung over too so we just hung about and slept (after having sex for over an hours!!) We ended up spending all today together as well. Just chatting and making out. It was nice. When I’m with him he makes me feel really sexy and girly and he’s fun. And steph is so right: can’t wait to see the uniform.

So this is my dilemma.

Advice girls!

Tell me: Can New York women really date two guys at once?! (I’m channelling Carrie; work with me!) Can Americans really be this preachy when it comes to 'rules' about dating and sex? Do I know how unattractive I look when I smoke at my apple (pft) notebook with my big fucking Jewish-arse nose? And did I really have sex with that old Russian dude? *shudder to think* End commentary.

Catch up post

2005-12-15T01:00:00.000+11:00

Sorry I’ve been a lazy bitch. I’ve been sick. That’s no excuse but… meh!

What’s new with me?

*I have a new boy. Kinda. We’re up to second date. Except I kinda slept with him the night I met him so it’s all moving along pretty quickly. I like him. He’s sweet and fun and sexy. I’m not crazy in love yet but we will see. I’m keeping my distance at the moment too. Which is easy cos he lives and works in Sydney (yes steph, I know) and he’s a Police officer so he has crazy shifts. All the Cronulla stuff is kinda scary at the moment tho. : ( At this time of year its all been talk of “what’s doing for New Years” which is a little scary too. In fact, I got a lot scared by how much we made plans for getting together. I prefer to play it by ear.

*The ex wanted to get back together. This has been coming for a while. He came over and babied me while I was sick (and I took advantage of it) and he bought me presents too. I was beginning to cotton on very quickly and then the bomb shell came. He got upset (of course) and cried which put me off even more. He was all like ‘it’ll be different this time’ which made matters worse cos that’s what he said every time he came crawling back to me in the past 7 years. I told him I wasn’t in love with him. He tried to convince me I was and I told him to fuck off. End. Of. Story. Thank fucking christ!

*I failed this semester at uni. I didn’t do my assignments. I was basically just over it. I’m going to work next year for the first semester to save up for my trip to the UK in June/July. Then I’ll redo this semester again and get back on track.

*I hate my work. This isn’t new I just thought I’d remind you.

*I’ve been exercising! This Monday and Tuesday I got up at 8 and met my friend and we walked all the way to Nobby’s and went swimming. Then we laid in the sun for 15 minutes and got the free bus back up town. For the non-newies it takes about 40 minutes from my house to walk to the beach. My legs are so effing sore. We didn’t go Wednesday and this morning (cos its now after 12) we’ll do our normal 30 minute walk no beach. Phew! My stomach already looks a lot better. Yay for my malleable body getting hotter when I want it to.

*I’m addicted to fake tan. I was always a bit too embracing of my whiteness for my flatmates liking (she’s addicted to spray tans). On Saturday (for my and copper’s ‘first date‘) I was going to wear my new white dress so we fake tanned each other Saturday morning and by Saturday arvo we looked so fucking hot! And tans look great with white dresses! Hehehe. The poor guy had no chance.

*I ran into ‘cute boy from work but who technically no longer works with me’. I always run into him. Newcastle is not that small. I like to think its fate telling me we belong together… but I’m a freak. Anyway. We were both driving and waved and then pulled up at traffic lights together and wound the windows down and drove and talked thru the window. It was very safe. And the people in cars behind us loved it. He’s so hot. Its distracting. He also still has a girlfriend. Fucking ho. Anyway. So I decided to ring him later and we chatted for a good 15 minutes. It was so good to hear his voice again. Except also kinda bad cos I’ve started daydreaming about him again. Blah!

*I keep forgetting to catch up/meet with all the people I meant to get together with after uni was finished. I’m such a bad friend. I’m hopeless at keeping in touch with people. I really wanted to go into auburn’s work and catch her off guard (hehe I’m such an evil bitch) but it was so busy Saturday night (we had dinner the the Brewery Restaurant - service wasn’t bad - food was ok - prices were exorbitant - I didn’t have to pay…hehehe) I didn’t go in. Girlfriend. We need to meet.

Okay okay. Its late I have to get up in like 6 hours. I’ll keep you guys posted. I promise.

My Japanese Name

2005-11-25T14:46:00.000+11:00

My japanese name is 中村 Nakamura (center of the village) 三千代 Michiyo (three thousand generations).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!

I don't think I need to remind people that I'm clearly the centre of the universe!

Its about ME! (what a suprise)

2005-11-15T08:55:00.000+11:00

I kinda hate these lists of random facts about me. I LOVE reading other people’s lists though. So in all fairness I’m going to post a list of 20 things about me you probably don’t want to know.

1. I’m not really a nice a person. I gossip and bitch about people behind their backs. I have a complete lack of tact at the most inopportune times. I’m selfish, self centred and slightly narcissistic. I constantly battle with these aspects of my personality every day. (YES I’m feeling guilty about something and NO I’m not telling you what.)

2. I adore cooking. I love presenting a beautiful meal to people I love. I love eating and I love eating out. I feel like I have a good relationship with food. I understand the importance of a balanced diet. I think about nutrition and diet daily but its not an unhealthy obsession with my weight. The idea is to keep myself relatively healthy. (Its all the drinking and drugs that really fucks this up.)

3. I’m obsessed with tradies at the moment. I think it’s a throw-back from being in a very intellectual- and emotional-based relationship for the past 3 years. I’m just obsessed with physically fit and attractive guys. Especially if they drive a ute and say incredible boganny things.

4. I hate open cupboard doors. I can’t walk past an open door on a cupboard and not close it. It just looks untidy.

5. I love my Grandma. She’s the only person in my family I have any length of time for… I would do anything for her.

6. My favourite movie of all time is American Beauty. It’s complete. It’s asthetically perfect. There isn’t a word of dialogue, movement of an actor or tiny prop in the background that would change in this movie.

7. I hate it when people can’t talk to me. I know I talk a LOT. But I’m also an active listener. If I ask someone questions and make an effort to show interest in them and they are elusive and uncomfortable I just don’t know what to do. It makes me feel like I’ve failed.

8. I’m really claustrophobic. It’s situational of course. If you can distract me I don’t really notice it but otherwise I start to panic. Like auburn I’m not a big fan of the Tokyo subway. Mostly cos there are lots and lots of people in a big crush. Freaks me out. I drove through that stupid cross-city tunnel the other day (by accident - luckily it was free at the time) and about 3 minutes in I had to put the air conditioning on and I was speeding through at about 100 km/h. My ex once shut me in the pantry at my house and when he finally let me out I slapped him across the face and kicked him out of the house.

9. I will always find the money to go shopping. I should never have kids because I might sell them to buy a pair of shoes. (She jokes… kinda.)

10. I still have that crush on that guy at work. He still has a girlfriend. Its fucking shit.

11. I’ve never had an orgasm from intercourse alone.

12. I hate not being in control. I always have to jump in to help in every situation. I’m a really bad backseat driver. I hate it when people don’t show up on time or aren’t ready when I get there (even though I often get there early so my friends always get pissed at me when I get pissed at them cos they’re not ready). NB I do realise that getting fucked up on ecstasy or alcohol contradicts this rule completely but I guess that’s why I do it.

13. I’m a shoe girl but I hate it when I don’t have the perfect handbag for an outfit (which is often). Normally I pick my shoes first and then the outfit.

14. I cut my hair off on Tuesday.

15. I have so many wonderful girl friends. I don’t what I’ve been doing different in the last six to twelve months but I have met quite a few girls that are closer to me now than the girls I have know for years. I don’t talk to any of the girls in my ‘group’ at school. NONE of them. That’s probably cos they were fucking awful to me to the last one of them.

16. I want to publish a book and move to the south of France. I wouldn’t learn more than a few words of French cos I’m terrible with languages. I would drink wine with every meal. I would drive around in a convertible with big sunnies and a head scarf and a bag of groceries with a baguette in the back. I would fuck lots of smelly French guys but never marry them.

17. I sleep naked. Pretty much all the time. My roommates think I’m weird but I like to let things breathe.

18. My favourite thing to do is to get a bottle (or 5) of wine and a few close friends (or maybe just 1) and eat and talk to the early hours of the morning. I can’t think of anything more relaxing and indulgent.

19. My skin is so fair that I got sunburnt from standing in the sun for about 30 minutes at 5pm on Saturday afternoon. I had make-up on so my face was fine but I have a red sprinkling across my back and shoulders and many new freckles.

20. I daydream too much. I do it all the time. I spend approximately half my life indulged in fantasy. I daydream when I’m driving, at work and before I go to sleep at night. I vague out when someone is talking and sometimes I have to pretend like I know what the fuck they’ve been saying for the last ten minutes cos I wasn’t listening. Don’t worry, this usually only happens when I’m bored.

I’m not going tag anyone cos everyone has already done it.

Trixibella?! Where are you? Thanks for your lovely comment but I think you need a big vent on your blog. You’ll feel better if you let it all out. Sometimes, sweetie, you need to think about you for a change.

My Saturday Night

2005-11-07T10:17:00.000+11:00

Last night, to commiserate the complete lack of booty-call receiving from Sydney boy, I got myself incredibly drunk. Embarrassingly drunk even. I blame jelly shots. They're sooooo tasty and therein lies their wickedness. Because they don't taste like a shot you forget that there's alcohol in them and then all of a sudden you're hugging the porceline and moaning because you spewed on your favourite shoes two weekends in a row. Now these babies aren't just any shoes. They are 100% leather upper, strappy pewter Sachi 5 inch stilettos that I totter around in despite any level of inebriation because they are fucking hot. Mmmmmm shoes…

Back to the spewing. (Well not literally because you don’t want to hear about that.) I drank so much last night because I was hoping to spend at least some of this one wedding-free-weekend getting fucked by hot Sydney boy. I called him Thursday night and the phone was engaged. When I finally got through he didn’t answer. So I sent him this message: “Hey, how are u? Are you free for more kisses this wkend? :) Call me”. Note my use of sms abbreviations to appear casual. I thought it was cute, casual and not at all demanding. By more kisses he knows I mean more sex. All good. Anyway, no reply. Nothing. No phone call. No ‘sorry busy this weekend’ text. Fucking nothing! Loser! So instead I went to an ex-boyfriend’s birthday party with the most recent ex and got maggot. It was strange being with the old group of people we used to hang out with as a couple. It was especially strange because one thing I do remember is trying to kiss the birthday boy. My only hope is that no one saw. Especially not his girlfriend. Oh dear!

Angst about Sydney boy compounded my already existing angst about work boy with girlfriend. This angst is way more serious but I was hoping to distract myself by getting some serious booty from Sydney boy. No dice hence drinking to excess. Drinking of course only leads to bad bad things.

I fucking hate this shit. I hate being in limbo with guys. I want to have that comfortable medium of hot hot sex but also knowing they’ll call you when you expect them to. I don’t want lame been-together-for-a-million-years-ness. I just want butterflies in my stomach and then not being disappointed. I actual kinda like being single if it means I get to have sex with hot guys occasionally (and by occasionally I mean every weekend). Am I asking too much, really?

Crushes are fucking lame

2005-11-05T20:40:00.000+11:00

I had a complete rant going on here and then fucking blogspot fucking deleted the fucker!

Moral to the story: only bad things happen to desperate and horny people.

Keeping Left

2005-11-02T06:50:00.000+11:00

Inspired by Ivory Towers and her completely sensible common sense rules, I too would like to rant about keeping left.

Firstly, just because you're turning right in three suburbs and the road is a bit busy doesn't mean you should cut me off to get into the right lane and then sit at least 15 kms under the speed limit til you get to your turn off. Then when you get there you don't indicate until you're already in the turning lane in which case I've already worked out you're turning right and have had to slam on my brakes because you started slowing down (even more) for apparently no reason at all because you didn't indicate in a timely manner.... but that's another story.

Secondly, if you're a guy and you're walking up the right hand side of the stairs at the pub and a girl is coming down on the left don't just think you can barge into her or make her deviate from her (correct) course just because you couldn't be fucked moving out of the way. For crying out loud!! How rude can Australian males get? In a more civilised society a gentleman would move the fuck out of the way for a lady, doff his hat and say good evening before moving on. And yes, if you do this, I will stare you down and say in a loud and drunken voice "We drive on the left hand side of the road in Australia, mate." At which point you can clock me one (because you're a sexist arsehole that clearly has no respect for women, so what's stopping you from smacking one?) or you can go around me. In a perfect world, you would apologise for your impropriety and go around but then in a perfect world the incident would not have occurred in the first place.

Thirdly, don't fuckin' stand in a walk way and have a chat without expecting people to bump you to get past. And don't give me a dirty look when I do bump you cos you're the fucker standing in my way.

Common Sense Rules

2005-11-01T08:20:00.000+11:00

Cos I got tagged by the lovely and eloquent steph (and cos weddings supply ample material) the following are my top 5 common sense rules. PS. Don't you just love the double meaning of common sense rules?
5) Champagne should ALWAYS be on the bar tab
4) If I'm drunk and I haven't tried to pash you its cos I'm not interested so don't get your mate to text me on Monday asking permission to pass on my number. If you don't have the guts to ask me for my own number then you haven't earnt it.
3) ALWAYS try to make it to the bathroom
2) Never have a nap on Sunday afternoon (daylight savings or not) cos you won't sleep properly Sunday night (and that always leads to lazing around not doing your overdue assignment all day Monday)
And most of all ladies and gentlemen, the number 1 common sense rule according the all knowing oracle of 20-something-drunkun-dating is:
1) If a cute guy says he has a girlfriend don't think you can get to know him and don't think you can just be friends cos inevitably he'll be the most wonderful guy you have ever met and crushes will ensue.
Now I'm off to get dressed as said cute guy with girlfriend is picking me up at 3pm.

If only it would all fall away

2005-10-28T03:31:00.000+10:00

We lay together in the dark, shoulders barely touching and his mouth close to my ear.

“Do you know what happened today? When I was driving to see you? The sky looked so grey. It blended with the road into a path of emptiness that disappeared on the horizon like rain. It made the trees seem so green. It was like a dream…

Do you still dream about me?”

“All the time,” I felt him smile.

I didn’t smile back. I ached to say I dreamt about him but I would have been lying. He didn’t ask.

“You are not in control. You are not in control.” I thought.

Curiousness slides down the back of my throat; slippery and wet.

“What do you dream?”

He doesn’t answer. Thank god.

What exactly am I supposed to think and do and feel right now?

His presence gives me scant comfort and his arm wrapped around my waist feels fake.

I practice. I try to remember those feelings from way back but it falls away like sand through my fingers.

****

I watched him as we stood in the shower. With water running over his face, he looked like he should be my boyfriend. I wish I knew him.

His lips pursed, pushing water away from his mouth as he took a breath, always half smiling. His skin was so tanned on his shoulders but the tone gently tapers into paler flesh on his tight ass. I felt an inaudible moan escape my parted lips.

He caught me watching him and I grinned.

"What?"

He didn't answer. I always like this game.

I pushed his lips against mine and the sound of water gushing over us fell away into the distance.

****

The car responded to my foot on the accelerator. Pushing hard to reach somewhere. I don't know why I'm rushing.

Stolen from SwissTwist

2005-10-27T16:12:00.000+10:00

10 FAVORITES

Favorite Color: Today... pink
Favorite Food: Cheese
Favorite Month: What kind of dumb question is that?
Favorite Song: Loving Gamble Everything for Love still... oh and yay for Alex Lloyd writing good stuff these days
Favorite Movie: American Beauty
Favorite Sport: sport? what?!
Favorite Season: Summer
Favorite Day Of the week: Sunday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Boysenberry
Favorite Time of Day: 2 am (I'm most productive)

9 CURRENTS

Current Mood: Frustrated and anxious
Current Taste: Still boring 'classic with a twist' old me
Current Clothes: Jeans/skirts and Ts cos its hot
Current Toe nail colour: Silver
Current Desktop: Windows standard cos who gives a fuck really?
Current Time: 10.59 am
Current Surroundings: Computer lab uni very quiet students working... not me tho.
Current Thoughts: I should get to work but Chloe will be here soon

8 FIRSTS

First Best Friend: Rebecca someone who lived across the street from me when I was 3ish
First Kiss: Can't name him he is sooo lame these days... but I was 14
First Screen Name: candito on yahoo! chat
First Pet: A kitty named Sooty that 'ran away' when I was 3
First Piercing: first and last my ears, man that fucking hurt.
First Crush: Some boy that sat next to me in year 2
First Album: A Girlfriend tape

7 LASTS

Last Cigarette: Ewwww!
Last Drink: Skim flat white that I spilled all over the desk about 30 mins ago
Last Car Ride: This morning to uni
Last Kiss: My ex-boyf (on the cheek) goodbye yesterday arvo
Last Movie Seen: Dodgeball on some pirated dvd on Sunday night
Last Phone Call: Yesterday arvo to convince my current "I don't really need this cos he has a girlfriend" crush to let me drive him to work
Last CD Played: lame emo compilation my ex made me the other week got me through 288 work items last night

6 HAVE YOU EVERS

Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: My ex is still one of my best friends
Have You Ever Broken the Law: My car is currently breaking the law right now
Have You Ever Been Arrested: Yes :(
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: I can't recall off the top of my head
Have You Ever Been on TV: No
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Every time I get drunk (oh dear)

5 THINGS

Thing You're Wearing: my roomies beeded twisty bangle
Thing You've Done Today: Blogged and read blogs
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: some random boring uni student talking to some other random boring uni student
Thing You Can't Live Without: Coffee
Thing You Do When You're Bored: Blog

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY

My room mates room stealing her jewelry while she was in the shower (hehehe)
The bathroom fixing my hair
Cafe at uni getting breakfast
Computer lab wasting time

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO

Alicia
Aidan
Mia

2 CHOICES

Black or White: Black
Hot or Cold: Hot

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

Fall in love again

Procrastination...

2005-10-27T02:47:00.000+10:00

Hmmm... see this? This is me not working on my numerous and voluminous assignments.
This is me trying not to think about stupid things like boys and cars and shopping.
This is me not being very successful.
I wish I could find that girl that can spew forth perfectly worded observations about my incredibly boring and pathetic life that make me sound so interesting. I hate the idea of being common place. I hate my own inevitable banality.

Well today I'm just happy I don't hate myself.

I'm too lazy to write something original

2005-10-25T10:56:00.000+10:00

No one has to copy. Trix, yours is the only blog I'm truly addicted to. Mwah!

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was 13. Oh my god I am soooo old. Ummm, I had a random crush on this lame boy who dumped me like three times after being my first pash. My parents got divorced (finally!) High school was the biggest drama.

What were you doing 5 years ago?
I was 18! Getting drunk every weekend, not studying and sleeping with the wrong boys for the wrong reasons. Sooo... pretty much what I've been doing lately.

What were you doing one year ago?
I was on a break with my boyf of about 2 years (on and off for 6) and just found out he slept with a family friend (pretty much the only girl I had trusted him with) But he didn't feel guilty because we were broken up at the time. I was homeless, living with my Gran and friends with the wrong girl.

What were you doing yesterday?
Slept in til forever, made the fattiest breakfast and sat about watching TV. I took 2 hours to get ready and hung out with my unavailable crush instead of working.

5 snacks you enjoy
1. Coffee is a snack, right?
2. Anything with egg in it (quiche, omlette, boiled eggs)
3. Peanut M&Ms
4. Blueberry Bliss (its the only thing that gets me into Grind)
5. Cheese

5 songs you know all the words to
1. "you're the voice" John Farnham (hehehe)
2. "manic monday" The Bangles
3. "Leaving Home" Jebediah
4. "mistaken identity" Delta
5. "gamble everything for love" Ben Lee

5 things you would do if you had a million dollars
1. Donate a lot to charity cos I'd just waste it on shoes
2. Travel
3. Buy a pair of chanel sunnies and christian louboutin shoes
4. Buy my mum a house on the beach
5. Splurge on some seriously good skincare and cosmetics.

5 things you like doing
1. Shopping
2. Pashing
3. Drinking coffee
4. Dining out
5. Drinking with my best girls

5 bad habits
1. Spending too much on luxuries
2. Replacing food with coffee
3. Drinking too much
4. Browsing instead of writing
5. Ditching my besties for sex with random dudes

5 things you would never wear again
1. Jeans that are too baggy around the ass
2. mid drift tops
3. A fairy costume
4. White pants
5. Black nail polish

5 favourite toys
1. My car
2. Boys (hehe)
3. The internet
4. My blog
5. sudoku.com.au

See? Trix I still exist!

2005-10-25T10:41:00.000+10:00

7 things I plan to do before I die
1) Get the hell overseas again!
2) Fall in love again
3) Spend more time with my friends
4) Get a real job (that I like)
5) Have a book published
6) Marry for money
7) Take dancing lessons with the (new) love of my life

7 things I can do
1) Dance like no ones watching
2) Bargain
3) Make people love me
4) Criticise the shit out of people I don't know
5) Hand every assignment in at least 2 days late
6) Talk my way out of some sticky situations
7) Help people appreciate the superficialities of life

7 things I cannot do
1) Drive a manual (very well)
2) Not get crushes on unavailable people
3) Vacuum
4) Get to the gym
5) Not be broke all the time
6) Blog on a regular basis
7) Focus

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1) Arms!
2) Great smile
3) He makes me laugh
4) When he looks at me like he thinks I'm great
5) He can dance
6) Big fat kissable lips!
7) I feel comfortable enough to talk about random shit

7 things I say most often
1) Fuck off
2) That's hilarious
3) Random
4) Lame
5) Ummm.....
6) Whatever
7) Lots of swear words that start with C

7 celebrity crushes
1) Adam Garcia
2) Orlando Bloom
3) Colin Farrell
4) Harrison Ford (from his Indiana Jones days)
This is hard...
5) Angel from Buffy even after all those hmaburgers
6) The Rock (I'm so lame, I know)
7) James from Australia Idol (oh how I miss you on Sunday nights)

people who need to do this
Meh!

I have a serious problem

2005-09-21T05:54:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure what is worse... my complete disregard for my aparently spending ban or my obsession with the opposite sex.

Cute boy at work still interests me. Aidan and I had a 'share-all' intimite moment on Sunday night that really scares me. I still want to have sex with RAAF boy.

Ok so my life is complex.... well really not that complex. Also while I'm obsessing over boys I'm not working on the assignment that's due at 4pm today that I have started... researching... just. Also getting a crush on boy in my class. Hmmm....

I think I'm being affected by Spring. Let's blame the seasons shall we...

*The weather is gorgeous so I hate being cooped up inside.
*I feel really good about myself for the first time in a really long time.
*I just want to have fun.
*My thoughts are really scattered. I can't focus on any given task.
*I haven't been this boy crazy since I was about 14.
*My taken or hung-up-on-their-ex friends are not helping me.
*Vogue girls better get smashed with me Friday cos I took the day off.

Ok that was more my thoughts in point form.

I really want a guy in my life who I'm sexually attracted to but who also likes to chat with me. I like being with a guy who listens to my incessant chatter and thinks its cute - not stares at me like I'm crazy a la RAAF boy. (Yes I still hate using his name.) I want a guy who I can talk to about Buffy and books and sexual politics but who will also understand if I want to go out with my girls and get completely fucked up. I want a guy who'll fuck me like I'm a naughty girl.

*sigh*

Forum Games!

2005-09-15T04:16:00.000+10:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: I have in the past answered to Piggy, Gonk and Candy

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: superluminous, stella and candice

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: my shoulders, my eyes and my health

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: I'm slowly ruining my feet with high heals and points, skin is too oily on my face and too freckly/uneven on my body and, like every girl in the world, I have pockets of fat that I wish would redistribute some where else.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: Scottish, French and Irish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: Plumbing (don't ask), roaches and being lost.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: Lip balm, coffee, shoes!

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: my distressed S&Bs that I never take off, my watch (b'day present from my ex) and my glasses cos I need them to see.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS: hmmm.... atm: Moloko, the Departures and Hawthorn Heights

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: All Mapped Out - The Departures, Niki FM - Hawthorn Heights and Chairman of the Board - Motor Ace

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: Great sex (duh), good conversation and heaps and heaps of trust.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: athletic but not body-builder-buff, great lips and... well... I've been talking WAY to much about size lately :D

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: Shopping, shopping online and shopping from catalogues (hehehe, ok you're right that's just one hobby) I would also say forum browsing and reading novels/magazines/anything I can get my hands on.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: Talk to my friends, go to the beach, sit back and just relax and as usual... have sex!

THREE CAREERS YOU'VE CONSIDERED: Lawyer (when I was 12), Journalist (in high school) and magazine editor (in my wildest fantasies)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON HOLIDAY: UK (to visit my bestie- oh how I miss you), Thailand (to sit on the beach) and Egypt/Macedonia/Greece just so I feel some ancient pride for history and humanity

THREE KIDS' NAMES YOU LIKE: Alexandra, Hayden, Maeve

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: change something about the world and make it better, go on a huge holiday overseas and hand something in on time.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY: Horny as one, don't mind a coldie and love a good steak!

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK: Love shopping esp. shoe shopping, love make-up and can't stand a dirty bathroom

THREE CELEB CRUSHES: David Boreanaz (from his skinny Angel on Buffy days), Orlando Bloom and Colin Farrell

All men are cocks... but not all of them have big ones

2005-09-14T08:09:00.000+10:00

This is a first draft:
It's fucking easy for you to say it's just for tonight. It's easy to say you have no feelings for me. It's easy to say it's only physical attraction drawing us together. Well I say 'only'?

Physical attraction is the most powerful force I've ever experienced. The constant need and drive for physical contact is something that makes us human.

The insanity of meshing out lips together; frantically trying to consume each other; constantly touching, caressing, fucking; it's obsessive compulsive when we're together.

Trying to make you smile and the triumph of seeing me succeed. I strive to feel happy and careless but I'm consumed by insecurities, fallibilities, responsibilities.

I don't like being this anxious person you have created. Waiting by the phone, all the joy has seeped out of the world when you're not around. I didn't ask to want you. I didn't ask to be caught up in a game of playing it cool and trying to express my desire.

I just strive for a tiny moment of bliss in my day. I don't care if it's flowers on my bed, a phone call to say 'hi' or fucking diamonds. Just give me some kind of sign that you want me back.

I really just want to get fucked.

BEWARE! The following may contain messy details

2005-09-12T09:21:00.000+10:00

Ok, so we were out a Finnegans.... I was getting pretty smashed due to cocktails at Holly's at 6pm!!! This group of guys was trying it on with us and I was all mouthy and not having a bar of it. Aparently... (I don't remember this) but the hot one (of the group) came over to me and I was all "see ya, I'm going to the bathroom" :D can you imagine me doing that?! ;)
Anyway, later I was doing a lap of Halo bar and he was sitting at a table with his mates. I sat down and started chatting to him.... At this point can I just say... he is fucking hot! Like one of the hottest guys I've ever been with!!!! Anyway, turns out he's 20 (ha! i kicked ass with the cradle snatching) and he's training to be a fighter pilot at the RAAF. He's only in Newcastle for a couple of weeks cos he's gotta go to Tamworth to complete his training (so hopefully I'm meeting up with him later today) He came out straight with that and I was like "yeah? and?" hehehe
So I pashed him and we chatted and pashed some more and then I decided I was sober enough to take him home.
And can I just say....
OH
MY
GOD!
Biggest cock ever! and fucking awesome at using it. and fucking awesome at a whole heap of other naughty shit! and he's only 20!!!
And the next morning I asked him if he wanted to see me again and straight away he said yes!! So he left his number.
I've been playing it cool all week but obviously really keen on getting together with him before he left. Friday night I had off work cos of system upgrades so I was real keen for it but he got totally trashed and blew me off. :(
Then he msged me yesterday and apologised and I was like tonight? but I went to dinner for Juddy's b'day and he fell asleep before I could go get him from the base :( so trying for today but we'll see. he's pretty disorganised. wish me luck!
Oh! and he grew up in nz and he has this totally hot accent! i know i know nz accents not that great but believe me.. he sounds fucking sexy on the phone.

I'm so lazy I'm posting old stuff

2005-08-31T07:41:00.000+10:00

His skin has a pale luminescence, almost like the clarity of the moon on a summer’s night, yet retaining that unique quality of living flesh. His chestnut curls frame a handsome face innocent with the affects of sleep. Long lashes lay against slightly flushed cheeks. I want to devour the details of his physical essence, knowing the limitlessness of human cells unconsciously denies me. The skin of his neck glides gently under the movement of my hand; fingers memorising every tiny crevice; discovering the diversity of perfection that exists in every minuscule texture of skin. Each hair bends under my finger tips, disturbed by the brush of skin, only to fold silently back into place. The soft down on the back of his neck smells like our future babies and I luxuriate in the pleasure of his creamy scent.

The inconstant light of a candle plays games with our profiles against the cool stone wall across the room. The stage for a fantasy played out by shadow actors, the erotic memory pressed into the shiny white surface like a sunset on a cloudy day: amber, rose and mandarin. I can sense that basic emotion I reserve only for him, assert itself inside my belly and across my lungs. My pulse flutters noticeably in my throat and I recall the sensation of his full lips hot on my mouth; a string of kisses down my back; goose bumps despite the heat and the sweet taste of contentment in my mouth.

Questions? Comments?

Ok, so I'm a bit lazy

2005-08-31T03:28:00.000+10:00

Well its because my computer has been broken... and I've been sick :(
I couldn't believe it! I was all ready to sit down at the machine and blog away, I pressed the on button and it didn't come on! So I checked to make sure it was plugged in and.... it was!!!! So now I'm stuck. And what's worse, all the geeks I know to fix it are going to the stupid snow this weekend so I'm going to be without a computer for at least a week! Stupid geeks!
Now I don't have anything to say except I'm sad cos I have no computer.
I'm supposed to be doing some creative writing to hand in to class on Thursday but I've got no frickin' idea what to write. I could fictionalise and dramatise my pathetic inability to move on from my ex but that would be kind of boring and passe.
I don't know what to do!!!!!
Writing about writer's block has already been ruled out. Any suggestions?!
I had this great idea to do a Carrie-like serial on my dating dramas and, considering the success of my first attempt a finding true-love at the pub on a Saturday night, that seemed like a good idea. However, I have since realised that this was limited by my ability to actually go out and research.
Sigh!

This is my first blog!

2005-08-25T06:52:00.000+10:00

I'm at uni and instead of writing a typically gorgeous piece of prose I am creating a blog.

I have nothing to say really except the words to a song which changes my life everytime I hear it:

Let's go down now into the darkness
of your thoughts
hurry up now
we're waiting for
us to fall
I fall to pieces now (I fall to pieces now)
a broken mirror (I fall to pieces)
in your life

The silence in black and white
falling forward as she walks toward the light

I KNOW
I'm outside of your window with my radio

I sleep with one eye open so I can
see you breathing (I sleep with one eye open)
I follow your chest home
Until I, (so I can see you breathing)
I can see you, I can hear you breathe in exhale

The silence in black and white

I KNOW
I'm outside of your window with my radio
I KNOW
I'm outside of your window with my radio

KNOW KNOW

I'm outside of your window
with my radio (so I can see you breathing)
I'm outside of your window
with my radio (so I can see you breathing)
I'm outside of your window
with my radio (so I can see you breathing)

I'm outside of your window with my radio
you are the only station
you play the song I know
you are the song I know

Please don't hate me cos I'm emo :(