Today this morning forever

I fucking hate getting up in the morning, this morning especially. When you’re as narcissistic as me its hard not to assume that everyone hates you. That you make people vomit at the idea of spending time with you. All I’ve ever wanted is to have people like me. I don’t need everyone to like me just some people I think are special. But I’ve never had girlfriends. I’ve never had a girl friend that I’ve trusted so much with all my feelings and not been betrayed or hurt by them. Is it me? Do I dare think that I do something wrong or should I be just like my mother and assume the problem must be with everyone else?

I’m sure a shrink will find the answer but I don’t think that expensive shoes and cosmetics are accepted as currency yet, besides I don’t think I could give them up. But there must be something wrong in taking pride in my frivolous materiality. There must be something wrong with me. I hate being emotionally fragile. I want to be strong and not need anyone at all but I need people: it is my weakness. I need someone to show an interest in my life.

I’m the kind of friend that changes plans with her boyfriend and her family to see you. I’m the kind of friend that leaves a party to make sure you’re ok. I’m the kind of friend that calls you the next day to make sure you got home ok. I’m the kind of friend that would never go anywhere near your crush or your ex or your boyfriend. I don’t even want to be their friend because I’d rather be yours. I’m the kind of friend that wants to get together for coffee every week. I’m the kind of friend that people cancel on but I never cancel.

I’m also the kind of friend that takes it the wrong way if you don’t call me or message me or email me occasionally to let me know what you’re doing. I’m also mercurial and sometimes I make mistakes but I think in this I might have a good point.