If Only It Would All Fall Away

This is revised from a few months ago. This is what I didn't hand in last semester at uni but should have. I still think its good...

We lie together in the dark, shoulders barely touching with his mouth close to my ear.

“Do you know what happened today? When I was driving to see you? The sky looked so grey. It blended with the road into a path of emptiness that disappeared on the horizon like rain. It made the trees seem so green. It was like a dream… Do you still dream about me?”

“All the time,” I felt him smile.
I didn’t smile back. I ached to say I dreamt about him but I would have been lying. He didn’t ask.

You are not in control. You are not in control. I thought.

Curiousness slides down the back of my throat; slippery and wet.

“What do you dream?”

He doesn’t answer. Thank god.

What am I supposed to think and do and feel right now?

His presence gives me scant comfort and his arm wrapped around my waist feels fake.
I practice. I try to remember those feelings from way back but it falls away like sand through my fingers.

****

I watch him as we stand in the shower. With water running over his face, he looks like he should be my boyfriend. I wish I knew him.

His lips purse, pushing water away from his mouth as he takes a breath, always half smiling. The skin on his shoulders is tanned but the colour gently diminishes into the paler flesh on his tight arse. I felt an inaudible moan escape my parted lips.

He catches me watching him and I grin.

"What?"

He doesn't answer. I always like this game.

I push his lips against mine and the sound of water gushing over us falls away into the distance.

****

We’re in my bedroom together again. It’s always untidy. After all this time it seems so unnatural. I can’t let him touch me.

“What’s all this about?” He asks with a vague gesture.

What’s the worst that I can say?

“I don’t really know. It’s like… I can’t decide.”

Tell me everything turned out alright.

His hands cup my shoulders protectively, reflexively. I watch him watching me in the mirror. I smile self-consciously.

Chaos is stinking

****

“There’s condensation on the windows,” I observe lightly.
“Yeah, from the shower,”
“Oh, yeah, the shower,” I try to sound only slightly disappointed.
He laughs at me. I don’t mind.

I kneel over him as he lies on the bed. Our faces close together; our eyes searching for meaning in each other. I lean in and kiss him hard, pushing myself down against him, letting his hands slide down my back.

Enveloped in kisses everything else is forgotten.

****

Inane drivel down the phone again. I need an excuse to say goodbye. What the hell are you trying to say to me? Is it that hard to understand I’m not in love with you anymore?

“Yes, of course I need looking after.”
“Yes, you’re my best friend too.”
“No, I promise I’ll get out of bed and go to uni today.”
“Thanks. It’s good to know you care.”
“Bye.”
I feel nothing but relief.

****
I lean back and let him inside me. He pulls me closer and closer.

“You’re shaking”
“You make me breathless,” I whisper as his hand curls around my thigh pulling me closer and closer.

I stretch. My back arches. There is nothing else. The two of us on his bed. Closer and closer.

The world finally falls away.

****

The car responds to my foot on the accelerator; pushing hard to reach somewhere. I don't know why I'm rushing.