Too busy with MAFW to post...
PFT!!! I wish!!!
I've been working overtime to save money for a trip I can't afford, applying for jobs just in case I don't have a job to come back to, working my arse of at uni to get my assignments all done before we fly out in 33 days AND trying to fit my gorgeous boyfriend in for a round or two of tiddley-winks. *sigh* Life can be so tiresome! :D
I had a bit of a drama a couple of weeks ago. We went out for a few drinks after dinner one night, shared a taxi with my flatties' mate - she was going to Customs so we followed. I ran into a few people from school (my friends to be precise) and I sat down for a chat. Only to find the ex sitting across from me looking none too pleased at my appearance.
After a bottle of so of champagne I was happily drunk and was chatting with a few of his mates and his brothers trying to ignore the melodrama that was unfolding. Eventually he made it clear I wasn't to speak to his friends by putting his arm on the shoulder of the mate I was chatting to, turning his back on me and pulling the perplexed fella away. All this happened when D had gone to the loo. He came back to find me in tears and I asked if we could go – even without finishing my drink.
I feel really shit that the first time D ever saw me cry was over my ex. He doesn't need to deal with this shit - it should be over and done with by now.
It's frustrating that I have struggled in the past with being around 'him' while I was still in love with 'him' but I feel that I always acted with grace and integrity. Now that the tides are turned he is unable to return even that courtesy.
Since that weekend 'he' and I have exchanged a few emails and texts but nothing relating to that incident. He appears to not want to discuss it other than the text he sent shortly after I left: "shit thing to do I apologise 100% don't answer".
The problem is that I adore him as a person. I have so much respect, admiration and love for him that it will never die with any length of separation or mistreatment. At the end of this month it would be 8 years since I fell in love with him. My only problem is trying to reconcile these feelings for him with the affection, respect and essentially romantic attachment I have for D. In my head they are placed clearly in separate categories, at the risk of being crass, the 'I want to have sex with you' category and the 'I have no sexual feelings at all for you' category. Of course, I see D as more of a boyfriend figure because a, he treats me the way I want to be treated in a relationship of this nature and b, because I want to engage in a sexual relationship with him.
However, my ex has a lot of attributes that I see in a future husband. I have boundless passion for him but there is no sexual desire. It's endlessly confusing especially as I think fondly of them both everyday.
I can only feel that my lack of sexual desire for my ex stems from the awful sex-life I endured for such a long period of my young life. I think the emotional abandonment and the dispassionate physical relationship I experienced with my ex and subsequently discovering that the attributes of a romantic relationship that I had always longed for were actually owing to me have tempered any romantic feelings I cling to; tempered yet not sated.
And that's my analysis of what's going on in my frickin' head right now.
I've been working overtime to save money for a trip I can't afford, applying for jobs just in case I don't have a job to come back to, working my arse of at uni to get my assignments all done before we fly out in 33 days AND trying to fit my gorgeous boyfriend in for a round or two of tiddley-winks. *sigh* Life can be so tiresome! :D
I had a bit of a drama a couple of weeks ago. We went out for a few drinks after dinner one night, shared a taxi with my flatties' mate - she was going to Customs so we followed. I ran into a few people from school (my friends to be precise) and I sat down for a chat. Only to find the ex sitting across from me looking none too pleased at my appearance.
After a bottle of so of champagne I was happily drunk and was chatting with a few of his mates and his brothers trying to ignore the melodrama that was unfolding. Eventually he made it clear I wasn't to speak to his friends by putting his arm on the shoulder of the mate I was chatting to, turning his back on me and pulling the perplexed fella away. All this happened when D had gone to the loo. He came back to find me in tears and I asked if we could go – even without finishing my drink.
I feel really shit that the first time D ever saw me cry was over my ex. He doesn't need to deal with this shit - it should be over and done with by now.
It's frustrating that I have struggled in the past with being around 'him' while I was still in love with 'him' but I feel that I always acted with grace and integrity. Now that the tides are turned he is unable to return even that courtesy.
Since that weekend 'he' and I have exchanged a few emails and texts but nothing relating to that incident. He appears to not want to discuss it other than the text he sent shortly after I left: "shit thing to do I apologise 100% don't answer".
The problem is that I adore him as a person. I have so much respect, admiration and love for him that it will never die with any length of separation or mistreatment. At the end of this month it would be 8 years since I fell in love with him. My only problem is trying to reconcile these feelings for him with the affection, respect and essentially romantic attachment I have for D. In my head they are placed clearly in separate categories, at the risk of being crass, the 'I want to have sex with you' category and the 'I have no sexual feelings at all for you' category. Of course, I see D as more of a boyfriend figure because a, he treats me the way I want to be treated in a relationship of this nature and b, because I want to engage in a sexual relationship with him.
However, my ex has a lot of attributes that I see in a future husband. I have boundless passion for him but there is no sexual desire. It's endlessly confusing especially as I think fondly of them both everyday.
I can only feel that my lack of sexual desire for my ex stems from the awful sex-life I endured for such a long period of my young life. I think the emotional abandonment and the dispassionate physical relationship I experienced with my ex and subsequently discovering that the attributes of a romantic relationship that I had always longed for were actually owing to me have tempered any romantic feelings I cling to; tempered yet not sated.
And that's my analysis of what's going on in my frickin' head right now.
posted by Red @ 12:58 am
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