Grrrrrrrrrr!!!

I’m an emotional wreck right now. I fucking hate being a girl sometimes!

I’m getting really excited and nervous about our trip. We fly out in 12 days! It’s so hard not spending money… or trying not to spend money anyway. Fucking shoes! Damn their attractiveness!!!

I’m in love! It’s making me nervous too. I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’ll fuck it up.

I’m procrastinating. I only have ONE 2000 word essay to write before we leave and I haven’t started the research yet. FUCK.

I’m getting shitty with my sex life (the above revelation aside). My ex, whom I was with on and off for 7 years, was one of those guys that is ALWAYS hard… like in the annoying, fuck-off-and-let-me-sleep kinda way. D is not… which is frustrating for obvious reasons. If he has too much to drink: no sex for me. FUCK.

I’m a twice-in-one-session kinda girl. I only really get warmed up the first time and really let lose on the second go. But once D is done the first time he gets hard again after about 10 or 15 minutes but often he can’t stay hard. So we’ll be going for it and then I’ll try and switch positions but before we can get going again it’s too soft to continue. For fucks sake! He’s only 23 and he’s having these ‘problems’ what’s it going to be like in 20 years?!?!?! I don’t know what to do. It’s not his fault and I know it’s not MY fault but it is soooooooooooo frustrating. I don’t know what to do. I get really shitty when it happens and he says sorry and then I have to stroke his ego by telling him it’s fine BUT I WANT TO GET FUCKED!!!

The additional problem is my pill. It's working in the sense that I don't get pregnant but it makes me emotional and moody. So most of the time I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX AT ALL. But then I'll want it real bad and can't get enough of it (See above). And all I want to do is EAT. JUNK. CONSTANTLY. So now I'm getting fat. So fat that I popped the button on my favourite jeans. My favourite jeans too. You know that metal button that rips a hole in the waistband when it pops? Yeah. FUCK!

Too busy with MAFW to post...

PFT!!! I wish!!!

I've been working overtime to save money for a trip I can't afford, applying for jobs just in case I don't have a job to come back to, working my arse of at uni to get my assignments all done before we fly out in 33 days AND trying to fit my gorgeous boyfriend in for a round or two of tiddley-winks. *sigh* Life can be so tiresome! :D

I had a bit of a drama a couple of weeks ago. We went out for a few drinks after dinner one night, shared a taxi with my flatties' mate - she was going to Customs so we followed. I ran into a few people from school (my friends to be precise) and I sat down for a chat. Only to find the ex sitting across from me looking none too pleased at my appearance.

After a bottle of so of champagne I was happily drunk and was chatting with a few of his mates and his brothers trying to ignore the melodrama that was unfolding. Eventually he made it clear I wasn't to speak to his friends by putting his arm on the shoulder of the mate I was chatting to, turning his back on me and pulling the perplexed fella away. All this happened when D had gone to the loo. He came back to find me in tears and I asked if we could go – even without finishing my drink.

I feel really shit that the first time D ever saw me cry was over my ex. He doesn't need to deal with this shit - it should be over and done with by now.

It's frustrating that I have struggled in the past with being around 'him' while I was still in love with 'him' but I feel that I always acted with grace and integrity. Now that the tides are turned he is unable to return even that courtesy.

Since that weekend 'he' and I have exchanged a few emails and texts but nothing relating to that incident. He appears to not want to discuss it other than the text he sent shortly after I left: "shit thing to do I apologise 100% don't answer".

The problem is that I adore him as a person. I have so much respect, admiration and love for him that it will never die with any length of separation or mistreatment. At the end of this month it would be 8 years since I fell in love with him. My only problem is trying to reconcile these feelings for him with the affection, respect and essentially romantic attachment I have for D. In my head they are placed clearly in separate categories, at the risk of being crass, the 'I want to have sex with you' category and the 'I have no sexual feelings at all for you' category. Of course, I see D as more of a boyfriend figure because a, he treats me the way I want to be treated in a relationship of this nature and b, because I want to engage in a sexual relationship with him.

However, my ex has a lot of attributes that I see in a future husband. I have boundless passion for him but there is no sexual desire. It's endlessly confusing especially as I think fondly of them both everyday.

I can only feel that my lack of sexual desire for my ex stems from the awful sex-life I endured for such a long period of my young life. I think the emotional abandonment and the dispassionate physical relationship I experienced with my ex and subsequently discovering that the attributes of a romantic relationship that I had always longed for were actually owing to me have tempered any romantic feelings I cling to; tempered yet not sated.

And that's my analysis of what's going on in my frickin' head right now.