Monday catch up

*After all that whinging about feeling trapped I felt decidedly trapped (but in a good way... no the BEST way) when D arrived at midnight on Wednesday and just... went down on me for HOURS! without my having to even hint. So after my cracking orgasm I had no choice but to revoke all my plans of breaking up with him... in fact I might consider marriage.... hmmm, nah!

*I stupidly thought taking my shy-as boyfriend to my pal's Australia Day bbq (where my ex and his pals would be) was an excellent idea. It wasn't so much an idea as it was MY fucking friend's party and I can do whatever I fucking WANT. Anyway.... it was ok. Actually it was heaps of fun. We got really drunk, there was street cricket, a human pyramid and lots of drinking. Too many D&M's tho. I'm not usually a big get-drunk-and-have-a-deep-and-meaningful kinda gal but 13 hours of drinking in the sun is like the D&M magnet.... this requires back story.

*About 12 months ago I was really good friends with a girl who was going out with my then boyfriend's friends. It was a whole foursome thing (and NO this didn't involve group sex you sick bastards!) Anyway, A (this is THE EX by the way) and I were going through pretty much the most fucked up shit ever. ALWAYS fighting! And of course she was my friend so I (stupidly) thought I could ring her crying and she would offer support. But aparently because I complained all the time about MY relationship she felt that she could never talk to me about her relationship. I was also going through some shit and I'm pretty narcissistic at the best of times so I was probably behaving like the worst friend in the world to her. I don't really know. Anyway, instead of talking to me all my failings as a friend she just kinda broke up with me. Yes that's right people. She rang me one night and gave me this whole "We've have some really good times... but Candice, I don't think we can be friends anymore... blah blah blah!" Fuck that for a joke. Anyway, I'm not saying I was blameless but basically according to her I'm the worst friend ever and it was all my fault.

*Back to Australia Day bbq. So first D&M was with this girl. I was really drunk and I don't really remember was said but basically I was crying and saying "I'm so sorry I was such a bad friend" and she was like "yeah but I forgive you" and to be honest I really feel like she still thinks it was ALL my fault. Well that's the impression that I get. She hasn't said or done anything sober to give me an indication of anything else.

*I really don't need this shit right now. At the worst of times, my self esteem is basically a big reflection of what I think other people think of me and at the best of times its what one or two people I really care about think of me. Right now I know for sure a few people think the world of me but I also know that one or two others think I'm the biggest bitch there is (and to be honest its well deserved). Also my flatmates are pissed at me cos I haven't done any cleaning for like 2 weeks. So essentially I'm of two minds about myself and I'm FUCKING MENSTRAL!!!! So not only do I feel fat and ugly... I AM FAT AND UGLY. Well bloated and pimply anyway....

*Another indepth conversation I managed to drum up out of the depths of drunkeness was with D. I don't really remember what we talked about (and aparently he's had a mild concussion since Wednesday soooooooo... either does he) but it was mostly about A. Like I remember explaining the whole shittest/best 7 years of my life scenario. I don't really know what else I said tho. I know I said some shit about how he shouldn't call me everyday (which is why I was feeling like a trapped rat the other day) and he was like good cos I thought you wanted me to call you everyday and we were really struggling for conversation... so I'm glad we're on the same page there. But the rest is a blur. Let's hope this concussion holds.... I'm SO kidding!

*On Saturday night I did some drunken texting that was so bad I deleted the messages out of my sent box. It just goes to show how manipulative I can be some times. I 'm really not proud of myself and have heard nothing from the individual involved despite my lame attempt at an apology. I'm such a loser sometimes. *shakes head at self*

*I also sent a text to 'hot shit motor bike boy' and nothing came back. :( I guess I should be lucky I'm not complicating my life any further.

*Side note: its 1245am and I'm watching a re-run of Lost and the little black kid just got stolen by sailors and can I just say:
THAT'S FUCKED UP!
Meanwhile Hotdogs is STILL on TV. Oh Channel 10, the shame.

Last of all boys and girls, I learnt this week that drinking four days in row to excess in the best and fastest way to end up alone and depressed. *Takes a bow to sarcastic applause echoing all over the internet*

the most boring post ever!

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions because no one (let alone me… the biggest back peddler the world has ever seen) ever keeps them beyond 3 days anyway. However, in this instance I feel I should make an exception. I don’t want to call these resolutions as such but perhaps ‘the common sense rules of blogging’.

Rule Number One
Never blog drunk. As you could possibly tell from my previous post it always leads to incoherent ramblings that no one seems to understand (except maybe steph who seems to have the same ‘secret inner bitch complex’ that I do.)

Rule Number Two
Never show your blog (I blame alcohol again) to someone you have previously slept with and, in fact, may sleep with again in the future (and by may I mean did).

Rule Number Three
Always leave out incriminating evidence of ALL posts to ensure no one gets hurt.

On to another unrelated (oh who am I kidding… very much related) topic: I am such a bad person.

The problem is I don’t feel like a bad person. I just feel trapped. I’m not a big fan of society’s rules anyway. I kinda just like to do what feels good at the time. Sometimes people I care about get hurt. Or could get hurt if they find out… I don’t even know what I’m trying to say… I’m listless and bored and frantic all at once…

(Everything I have typed past this point sounds lame and cliched.)

Goodnight.

Feeling bad

I have posted for almost two weeks and I feel kinda bad because my last post was so lame... and by lame I mean hilarious but kinda self indulgent.

I'm missing my girlfriends. Been hanging around with boys too much. They just don't respect the time and money spent on make up and shoes like girls do. D included. He just laughs at me.

Oh its so crazy. I've been feeling so trapped lately. So I liberated myself by fooling about with a good mate. Should I feel bad? I don't know. I don't want to feel bad but I don't want to get married either. I'm going back to being drunk...

Girls, I miss you so bad. Can't wait for you to return to me.

Bragging

Less about love more about the good stuff.

I had to post that I had sex in a police station!

BAHAHAHA!!!

While he was wearing his uniform. (Steph is going to be soooooo jealous!) I have the biggest bruise on my arse from his gun.

It was HOT!!!

Now before you all jump to conclusions… he was manning a small station on Sunday by himself. I came to have lunch with him cos he was so bored but it turns out we weren’t that hungry…

He is so BAD! Bad bad bad boy.

Love actually...

Sigh! I just read auburn's post. AND I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately.

Two reasons.

1. My Ex

I love him. I think I will always love him. But I am not in love with him. He’s in love with me. You probably think I’m full of myself because I said that but I know that he is. It’s scary. It’s really scary because I know how it feels to love someone who doesn’t love you. 18 months ago I was in love with him and even though we were ‘together’ I don’t think he really loved me. Or if he did he had a terrible way of showing it. And now in true ‘A&C’ style our roles are reversed.

He’s always looking at me in that way. You know what I mean. He bought me a bottle of Estee Lauder (my favourite) Beyond Paradise for Christmas, He didn’t give it to me himself. He wrapped it up so it didn’t look like a bit like a bottle of perfume wrapped at David Jones by the lady at the Estee Lauder counter, jumped the fence of my apartment complex, knocked on my door, left the package on my step and ran off before I could answer the door.

Last night he gave me this.



It’s an Oroton handbag (also a favourite.) I’m guessing it cost him about $300.

THAT’S A SERIOUS FUCKING PRESENT!!!!!!

I’m not saying all this to boast. I’m fucking freaked out by it but it also warms my soul. I’m flattered and I’m so sad for him. I just want him to be happy but I know I can’t make him happy.

2. D

My new man. Surprisingly (not) enough, its not the sexy motorbike guy (cos they’re always the ones you want to take home to your mum) it’s the sexy copper. D.

He’s wonderful! He’s hot! He’s so much fun. Yay!

He took me to Sydney the day after Boxing Day and showed me around his stomping ground. We spent pretty much three whole days together. I had so much fun. He really made me feel special.

He drove down to Newcastle on New Years after he finished work at 4am. He called in ’sick’ Sunday night and left about lunch time Monday. We didn’t sleep much.

I’m soooo crazy about him!

How can you tell?

Did I go on and on about how wonderful the sex is?

Wow! I must really respect him as a person.

Hahaha!

P.S. The sex is fucking amazing!!!!

Anyway.... auburn's post made me think... not because I've fallen for D but because I remembered the feeling I got when I first saw him. I haven't told this story yet.

I was walking through the crowd upstairs at the brewery and he slapped me on the ass!! No! Stop. Wait. He didn't mean to. He was just talking and kinda moved his arm for emphasis and it found my ass as I was walking past. And I was like 'wtf?!' and he was like 'I'm sooooooo sorry! I didn't mean to!' I was like 'whatever!' and walked away...

Then I thought 'he was kinda cute. I'm going to go back and talk to him.' So I did!

How fucking amazing is that?! It's like one of those windows in your life where you can look back and think 'How crap would it be if I hadn't made that decision?'

Life.