Mmmmmmmmmm.....

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!

I’m an emotional wreck right now. I fucking hate being a girl sometimes!

I’m getting really excited and nervous about our trip. We fly out in 12 days! It’s so hard not spending money… or trying not to spend money anyway. Fucking shoes! Damn their attractiveness!!!

I’m in love! It’s making me nervous too. I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’ll fuck it up.

I’m procrastinating. I only have ONE 2000 word essay to write before we leave and I haven’t started the research yet. FUCK.

I’m getting shitty with my sex life (the above revelation aside). My ex, whom I was with on and off for 7 years, was one of those guys that is ALWAYS hard… like in the annoying, fuck-off-and-let-me-sleep kinda way. D is not… which is frustrating for obvious reasons. If he has too much to drink: no sex for me. FUCK.

I’m a twice-in-one-session kinda girl. I only really get warmed up the first time and really let lose on the second go. But once D is done the first time he gets hard again after about 10 or 15 minutes but often he can’t stay hard. So we’ll be going for it and then I’ll try and switch positions but before we can get going again it’s too soft to continue. For fucks sake! He’s only 23 and he’s having these ‘problems’ what’s it going to be like in 20 years?!?!?! I don’t know what to do. It’s not his fault and I know it’s not MY fault but it is soooooooooooo frustrating. I don’t know what to do. I get really shitty when it happens and he says sorry and then I have to stroke his ego by telling him it’s fine BUT I WANT TO GET FUCKED!!!

The additional problem is my pill. It's working in the sense that I don't get pregnant but it makes me emotional and moody. So most of the time I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX AT ALL. But then I'll want it real bad and can't get enough of it (See above). And all I want to do is EAT. JUNK. CONSTANTLY. So now I'm getting fat. So fat that I popped the button on my favourite jeans. My favourite jeans too. You know that metal button that rips a hole in the waistband when it pops? Yeah. FUCK!

Too busy with MAFW to post...

PFT!!! I wish!!!

I've been working overtime to save money for a trip I can't afford, applying for jobs just in case I don't have a job to come back to, working my arse of at uni to get my assignments all done before we fly out in 33 days AND trying to fit my gorgeous boyfriend in for a round or two of tiddley-winks. *sigh* Life can be so tiresome! :D

I had a bit of a drama a couple of weeks ago. We went out for a few drinks after dinner one night, shared a taxi with my flatties' mate - she was going to Customs so we followed. I ran into a few people from school (my friends to be precise) and I sat down for a chat. Only to find the ex sitting across from me looking none too pleased at my appearance.

After a bottle of so of champagne I was happily drunk and was chatting with a few of his mates and his brothers trying to ignore the melodrama that was unfolding. Eventually he made it clear I wasn't to speak to his friends by putting his arm on the shoulder of the mate I was chatting to, turning his back on me and pulling the perplexed fella away. All this happened when D had gone to the loo. He came back to find me in tears and I asked if we could go – even without finishing my drink.

I feel really shit that the first time D ever saw me cry was over my ex. He doesn't need to deal with this shit - it should be over and done with by now.

It's frustrating that I have struggled in the past with being around 'him' while I was still in love with 'him' but I feel that I always acted with grace and integrity. Now that the tides are turned he is unable to return even that courtesy.

Since that weekend 'he' and I have exchanged a few emails and texts but nothing relating to that incident. He appears to not want to discuss it other than the text he sent shortly after I left: "shit thing to do I apologise 100% don't answer".

The problem is that I adore him as a person. I have so much respect, admiration and love for him that it will never die with any length of separation or mistreatment. At the end of this month it would be 8 years since I fell in love with him. My only problem is trying to reconcile these feelings for him with the affection, respect and essentially romantic attachment I have for D. In my head they are placed clearly in separate categories, at the risk of being crass, the 'I want to have sex with you' category and the 'I have no sexual feelings at all for you' category. Of course, I see D as more of a boyfriend figure because a, he treats me the way I want to be treated in a relationship of this nature and b, because I want to engage in a sexual relationship with him.

However, my ex has a lot of attributes that I see in a future husband. I have boundless passion for him but there is no sexual desire. It's endlessly confusing especially as I think fondly of them both everyday.

I can only feel that my lack of sexual desire for my ex stems from the awful sex-life I endured for such a long period of my young life. I think the emotional abandonment and the dispassionate physical relationship I experienced with my ex and subsequently discovering that the attributes of a romantic relationship that I had always longed for were actually owing to me have tempered any romantic feelings I cling to; tempered yet not sated.

And that's my analysis of what's going on in my frickin' head right now.

Browsing

Fashion! According to I the most reputable critic of anything really.



Oh Karl!
Not a big fan of the Japanese horror film-inspired make up but that dress is gorgeous!

But Chloe can only seem to produce box-like outfits fit only for Cheryl's trip to Woolies 2 weeks after giving birth to Wayne's fifth child (well she says they're all Wayne's but Jenny next door knows the truth.) End tangent.

Dior has gone all goth too although I do like a lot of the red.

And MiuMiu, who I normally despise, has pulled out some cute little numbers like this one:



LOVE the red shoes!

Similarly I loathe Stella McCartney simply because anyone stupid enough to give up leather shoes does not deserve my respect. However, this is adorable and I’m a sucker for Gemma Ward.



And finally, Hermes have done some wonderful things with pencil skirts and opaques which was my intended staple for the Winter and therefore gets my vote as favourite in Paris this week.

I'm worried...

I think I might be... falling in love.

YES! WORRIED!!

I'm jaded. I'm over love. It hurts too much. It feels wonderful being with them but then you're life just seems to feel empty when they're gone. Pft! Love fucking sucks.

I'm bored with being in love... except it kinda feels nice... I think. Maybe I'm not in love. I thought maybe he said that he loved me while we were away. On our first night away even. But I think maybe I dreamt it. I was really drunk. We drank cocktails and Champagne and Pinot and ate three courses including cheese (mmmm... blue and Pinot are destined to be together) and I think maybe the cheese made me have crazy dreams... cos it usually does... and now I don't know if maybe he did say he loved me and I just rolled over and passed out or if I actually dreamt it. I think maybe I dream it. He didn't say anything about it the next day but then maybe he was too drunk to remember he said it afterall... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I don't know!

New flat mate moved in while we were away. My other flatmate (the bestest flatmate ever) is this gay magnet. They orbit around her like moons. Anyway, so Gay moved in and he's excellent. The house has never been this clean. The garbage is always empty and the dishwasher is always full of clean dishes (or on, or empty, or full of dirty ones and I'm going to put it on later... anyway...) So yay! Plus you know less rent.

Planning our trip to Europe for June. Only thing is its horribly hard when you don't know if you have a job at the end of May. Effing cunts aren't telling us til then. Too bad for all the unemployed people who applied. Fuckers! But the plan is going well. I haven't even asked for the time off yet but meh!

Going to see my Dad on Monday for dinner. Bringing boy. Wish me luck! I was going to take him to see my mum as well but when I rang her tonight she was in a cunt of a mood. She is fucking bi-polar I swear! When she answered I knew it was bad. Then I thought she would cheer up cos I was coming to see her. Her biggest gripe was that I didn't ring her or come and see her on the long weekend. I had already told her that I was away and that it was my first real holiday in 2 years and she made a big fucking deal that I didn't make the time to see her. Then when I told her I probably wouldn't be in Australia for my birthday cos I would be in Europe she hit the roof. She started going on about its her 50th next year and if I can afford to go away and go to Europe then I can afford the petrol to go and see her. Then she went on about how I better start saving for a present for her 50th and blah blah blah blah blah. Her favourite thing is to go on about how I pick fights with her. But then all I did tonight was ring her to organise a visit and she starts a fight with me about how I never visit.

I'm looking up blackmarket lithium suppliers as I type this. I'll pop it in a Cenovis Women's Mutli bottle and she won't notice a thing.

It's really distressing for me because I've always wanted a good relationship with my mother. I'm really jealous of girls that go shopping with their mums and talk to their mums about everything. I try to be friends with her but when she attacks me like this without any provocation I can't help but want her completely out of my life. When the mood takes her there is nothing I can say or do to make her happy and she just yells and yells and yells and yells. I ended the call by saying (over the top of her rant) "you wonder why I never want to spend time with you..." and hanging up. I could still hear her yelling as I hung up the phone.

Everything felt wrong

I had my ex over for dinner last night. We made pizzas and drank red wine. It just didn't feel right.

I love him so much. He is wonderful. He is funny, handsome, smart, sophisticated and, as much as he denies it, he is kind and caring. But it just didn’t feel right.

For me, there’s just no spark. He doesn’t make my tummy crazy bubbly nervous and I don’t want to jump him… at all. I just don’t feel like that about him.

But he’s IN LOVE with me! And now he doesn’t want to see me anymore because it is too hard for him. I feel miserable. I want to hug him and tell him it’s alright but I can’t reciprocate his feelings for me.

It’s very confusing for me because I obviously still CARE ABOUT him and I want him to be happy. I know I have to let him go and hope that he will eventually feel differently about me so that we can be friends.

I’ve never felt like this about someone before. I can vividly remember being in love with him but I know I’m not now. I don’t hate him. I’m not angry any more. I want him to be happy and healthy and successful.

I can’t imagine life without him.

It’s desolate.

I’m so upset. I’m mourning a friendship that I thought I had but always suspected was short-lived. I can’t stop crying…

Tagged

Which is good I needed subject matter that wasn't pictures of shoes.

I copied the questions too, is that ok?

I chose Gwen Stefani or No Doubt

Are you male or female? Just a Girl
Describe yourself: Holla Back Girl
Describe your inner: Sixteen
Describe your outer: A Little Something Refreshing
How do some people feel about you: Marry Me
What about some others? Sad for Me
How do you feel about yourself: That's Just Me
How do you feel about pain: Stricken
Describe your ex boyfriend: Spiderwebs
Describe your current significant other: Brand New Days
Describe where you want to be: Greener Pastures
Describe how you live: Luxurious
Describe how you love: Danger Zone
Describe how you wish you were: Rich Girl
What would you ask for if you had just one wish: The Real Thing
The way you feel right now: Simple Kind of Life
Your life philosophy: Magic's in the Makeup
Your view for the future: Big City Train
Share a few words of wisdom: What you waiting for?
Your biggest fear: Trapped in a Box
Now say goodbye: End it on This

More shoes...

Unnecessary detail...

I'm obsessed with my boyfriend's tummy. I've been fantasising about it all day. Its HOT! Its flat and you can see the muscles underneith. It looks so good when he's fucking me. *sigh* I'm so horny. Sunday we were too hung over to have sex and Monday I was still feeling off and he was 'sore' from Friday and Saturday sex anyway. *sigh* So now I have to wait til Friday to fuck again. *sigh*

Enter fantasising about shoes and hand bags I can't afford.